Mademoiselle Célibataire
Today, I learnt the meaning of the phrase "ménage à trois". I had always thought it was synonymous with "fiasco" and have used it several times in essays. FML
Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML
Today, I was getting my picture taken with my mom and grandma for a portrait. I said it was going to be beautiful when it was done, with three generations of our family in it. My grandma said that would be true, if I weren't adopted. FML
Today, I went to the doctor after being sick for weeks. I found out that I had bronchitis that then progressed to pneumonia. My girlfriend is hearing impaired, and when I can finally get words to come out when I speak, she can't understand them. I'm not sure who I feel more sorry for. FML
Today, I spent all day doing a project for myself and then for a friend who's sick. Turned out it was a prank everyone in the class was pulling on me. I missed a baseball game because of it. FML
Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML
Today, my mum is on a week-long trip. Everything was fine, until I realised she forgot to leave me any money. Now I'm out of food. FML
Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML
Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML
Today, I was practicing the piano. My brother told me that if I loved him, I would stop. FML
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML
Today, my best friend resolved things with her boyfriend after he had admitted to cheating on her. I felt really guilty, because I drunkenly hooked up with her boyfriend last month. She said, "I felt better when he told me that the girl was extremely ugly and bad in bed." FML
Today, I got bailed out of jail. I was there because I saw a girl being hit by her boyfriend. I rushed over to help only to have her hit me repeatedly. The cops came and she blamed her bruises on me. The boyfriend corroborated her story. FML
Today, my dad and mom and I were going out to eat dinner. My dad wanted a romantic dinner just with my mom so he told me to make an excuse not to go. I did, which ended up as a huge fight, grounded and phone taken away. My dad just stood there in the background putting thumbs up. FML
Today, I logged onto Facebook and found out that my own mother unfriended me because she didn't want her new boyfriend to know that she had a daughter. FML
Today, I was called 15 times by a "good redneck boy" that my Mom is trying to set me up with. He has called me at least 5 times a day for the past week. My Mom is still encouraging him to call. I had to unplug the phone because I feel stalked in my own dorm. FML
Today, was my girlfriend's birthday. I planned it to perfection: we went shopping, bowling, had lunch in a nice Italian restaurant, watched a French comedy, walked by the river. She also got many presents. Tonight, I was exhausted but happy for her... until she told me her birthday is tomorrow. FML
Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML
Today, I was told I've secured the job I applied for at my local hospital. Being just 19, this is a great opportunity, and I told my parents. They angrily asked if I'd applied just to get access to drugs, then demanded to know how I'd managed to pass the drug test. Thanks for the confidence. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she's a lesbian. And that she could only stay with me because I had a "girly face and voice". She also admitted to having a crush on my sister. FML
Today, I had to explain to my friend that the hot girl he's been sending nudes to and cybering with for the past month is probably a bored, fat-as-fuck, balding male living in his mum's basement. The look on his face after I proved that "her" pictures were fake broke my heart. FML
Today, a kid from my school called me, saying he's going on vacation to Japan soon and that since I was born there, I could teach him the language. His exact words at the start of the call were, "Hey man, you speak Asian, right?" I have to be around this shithead 5 days a week. FML
Today, my mom found out I'm failing three classes. Now she won't let me go to a convention I bought passes for weeks in advance. Each pass was $45, and I bought 2 more for my friends. You do the math on that, because I apparently can't. FML
Today, I finally went to the doctor's about my severe anxiety. I'm so used to putting on a happy performance around people that she didn't believe anything was wrong with me. FML
Today, I discovered that when my mom can't sleep, she comes into my room and reads my text messages. FML
Today, I agreed to stay a week with my wife's parents, who she told me were traditional Japanese. I was prepared for having to wear Japanese clothes while in the house, but I wasn't prepared for communal bathing in the same huge bath with her father, grandfather, uncle and two brothers. FML
Today, I went for a soak in a mineral hot pool to relax after a stressful day teaching middle school. There were 120 middle schoolers there on a school trip. FML
Today, some guy on a bike kept taunting me about my weight while I was out jogging. He ended up hitting a street lamp and fell off his bike. I had a real good laugh at him for all of 5 seconds before he got mad and really made me run. FML
Today, I was declined a sales position at a local store. As I headed out, I heard the interviewer telling a colleague, "Christ. That kid had less charisma than Microsoft Sam." FML
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