Philadelphia 44 ans
Today, I was laying on the couch with a cast on my broken ankle. My brother thought it would be funny to shoot my cast with a high-powered pellet gun. It went straight through the cast and now I need to go back to the hospital. FML
Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML
Today, my overweight colleague twisted his ankle. He's pretty self-conscious about his weight, but I had a brain-fart and told him he shouldn't try to put too much weight on it. His feelings are more hurt than his ankle now. FML
Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML
Today, I went on a second date with a guy who seemed perfect in every way possible. That is until he started mentioned how children are a deal-breaker for him. I had to break it to him that I have a 14 month old daughter. He actually had the balls to ask if I'd ever consider foster care. Seriously, dude? FML
Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML
Today, my boyfriend came home from a two week vacation and told me I needed to move out. FML
Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML
Today, I fell in the shower, landing ass-crack first onto a can of shaving cream, which split my butt straight down the crack. FML
Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML
Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML
Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML
Today, I took an online IQ test, even though I knew they give everyone unrealistically high scores. My score was 73. FML
Today, we were running a special at work that I had previously been told was an online-only special. After the general manager corrected me, I used the joke excuse of, "It's my first day". The customer replied, "I can tell". I've worked there two years and I'm the assistant manager. FML
Today, I had sex for the first time. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me because I don't think she is pretty enough since I "wanted it to be over so fast". FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend announced he was engaged. We broke up last night. FML
Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML
Today, the pizza delivery guy saw me in my underwear. My boyfriend is so ashamed of me that he pointed out to the guy twice that we were just roommates. FML
Today, my son was crying because he wanted his daddy, and he asked when he can see him. I had no idea what to say, given his dad left us in the middle of the night last year, now lives in another country, and told me he never wants to see us again. FML
Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know whose name she's saying during sex. FML
Today, I caught my soon to be husband screwing our wedding planner. FML
Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML
Today, my friends renamed my dog, “Dog Vader.“ Yes, my dog has asthma. FML
Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML
Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML
Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML
Today, the guy I broke up with for being too possessive and jealous threatened to leak my nudes if he sees or hears that I've gotten with anyone else. FML
Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML
Today, I spiced things up by lying on the bed and pouring melted white chocolate on myself. I called out to my fiancé to come in. He was 'checking' his favourite scene in Batman vs Superman and couldn't hear me. I was stuck unable to move for ten minutes until he finally heard me. FML
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