shebewoofle

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

The smell test

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

Today, I refused to let two students into class because they were 15 minutes late. It turns out they were late because they had gone to buy me a birthday cake. FML

Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend poops with "This is war" playing on his phone, and makes war sounds corresponding with his poop dropping. FML

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

Where am I?

Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML

Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML

Y'all need him!

Today, I had to tell my mom to stop sending pictures of Jesus to my boyfriend. FML

Today, I was shopping for tampons when a cute guy came over and gave me his number. He said, "Call me in 3 to 5 days." FML

It's getting hot in here…

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML

Don't feed the trolls

Today, I was trolling in a chat room when someone said, quote, "He's just a no-life, unemployed loser still living in his mom's basement. Probably spends all day stroking his tiny dong and fantasizing about having a real girlfriend." I actually started crying because it was so accurate. FML

Today, a homeless man tried to sell me a "magic, one-finger glove". It was a used condom. FML

Pervs, pervs everywhere

Today, I was on the bus when I felt a big yawn coming on, one so big that my mouth stretched and my eyes closed. It was at this point that the strange man beside me decided to lean over at lightning speed and put his tongue in my mouth. Technically it was my first kiss. I'm 21 years-old. FML

Today, my mom turned off all internet access in our house because she thought I spent too much time on the computer. She later asked me why she couldn't get on Facebook. FML

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

Today, I went out for a few drinks with some friends. All night, I kept smiling and showing off my newly brace-free teeth. Later on, one of my friends drunkly asked, "Why does she keep smiling? Her teeth are fucking jacked." FML

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

Today, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. My breathing is short and heavy, and I wanted my boyfriend to comfort me. Instead, he called me Darth Vader, patted me on the head, and said, "Don't worry, the Force will be with you." FML

Code of silence

Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

Today, I awoke to my husband talking to someone on the phone at 2am. I heard him say, "Baby you're making me hard." Immediately, I asked him who he was talking to. His response? "It's Jake, from State Farm." FML

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

Mind your own business

Today, in a public restroom, an elderly lady started bitching me out for not washing my hands. I was so intimidated that I did so under her accusing watch. I'm quite intolerant to many soaps, and I now have a horrible rash on my left hand because I was too frightened to explain. FML

Today, my boyfriend of six days proposed to me. FML

Bobs and vagene!!

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML