OakWood

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

Today, the crazy cat lady who lives next to me lost one of her cats. She sat outside with a whistle at 6:00 this morning and continued to blow her whistle for hours. FML

Spooky season

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML

Quiet

Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML

Life's a beach

Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML

AITA?

Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident, then one of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "ASSHOLE!" afterwards. FML

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I fell asleep at the beach. My friends took the opportunity to bury me in the sand, place food all around me, and wait for a flock of hungry seagulls to attack me. To top it off, they taped it all. FML

Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML

Today, at my aunt's wedding, the time for the tossing of the bouquet came and the announcer asked for all the single ladies to gather behind the bride. I was the only one. FML

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

Thanks, but…

Today, my husband wrote all these wonderful romantic messages to me via Facebook, proclaiming his love to me in front of all my friends and family. Too bad he hasn't spoken to me in "real life" for almost 3 weeks. FML

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

Good one, thanks

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of Coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

Lightweight

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

Today, I learned that the "If I can't see you, you can't see me." rule is entirely false. Just because I can't initially see my creepy neighbor, doesn't mean he isn't watching me change my clothes through the blinds. FML

Health risk

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because, "It's chicken, not salmon." FML

Today, my mother-in-law told my husband that I cannot stay in her house unless I can bring proof from a doctor that my allergy to cats is not contagious. FML

Today, in a queue to the ATM, a hot girl was standing in front of me. The girl's boyfriend grabbed her ass. She turned around and slapped me. FML

Today, my girlfriend will only speak to me using Lady Gaga lyrics. FML

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML

Today, I have been released from jail because my idiot friends decided to get me a surprise hooker for my birthday. Turns out "Candy" was actually an undercover cop. My friends ditched me. I was the only one arrested. FML

Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

Imagine what it would be like

Today, I found out my 97-year-old Grandma has an imaginary 30-year-old boyfriend. I laughed until my mom said, "She's still doing better than you. You don't even have an imaginary boyfriend, let alone a real one." FML