Monsieur Minnesota, United States Célibataire
Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML
Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML
Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML
Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML
Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML
Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a video of him having sex with someone from one of his last relationships because he thought it would turn me on. FML
Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML
Today, I discovered that when you buy ropes, duct tapes, a shovel, razor blades, a fire poker, and a carton of cigs, the police can turn up and search your house for 'prisoners'. Those items were actually coincidental. FML
Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 years said she was leaving me because recently I wasn't making much money, and was playing too many video games. I recently got a raise at my job of 5 years. The job? Testing video games. FML
Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought, "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot?" Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML
Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML
Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML
Today, I discovered that for the last six months my mother has been leaving my TV on FOX while I sleep, in the hope that my subconscious will absorb it and turn me into "a morally-upright human being". FML
Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML
Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML
Today, while my plane took off, I was forced to sit and watch as somebody rear-ended my car in the parking lot. FML
Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML
Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML
Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML
Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML
Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML
Today, I spilled boiling water on my legs. A coworker told me that putting mustard on the burn would heal it. I ended up at the emergency room. When people walked by I could hear them say "it smells like hot dogs". FML
Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML
Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML
Today, my 17-year-old daughter's friend told her that superglue works well as lip gloss. She tried it. FML
Today, I found out that my new husband is expecting two children: ours, due in January, and our 16-year-old neighbor's, due in March. FML
Today, I collected my students' notes in class to check them. One girl, who is always drawing weird anime crap in her sketchbook, turned in just one piece of paper that read, "FUCK YOUR CLASS." FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to spank the ferret in bed and spray me while singing the Spiderman theme song. FML
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