rapunzellouise

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

Good catch

Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML

How could you?

Today, I was woken up by my 5 year-old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her toothbrush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML

Today, at my wedding, my brother decided it would be funny to trip me as I was walking down the aisle, in front of hundreds of people. FML

ADMIT IT!

Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

Today, I posted an event to have a get together with friends. Most of them put "not attending". I hadn't even set the date. FML

Suspicious

Today, I noticed a weird smell coming from my four year-old daughter's room. I went to investigate and found she had been using (and hiding) her garbage can as a toilet, for when she "can't make it in time." FML

Intense heat

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend in his bedroom. It was getting pretty intense, so he got up to close the door. While he was facing the other way, I took off my bra and sling-shot it so that it would hit him. Right when I let go of it, his mom walked in and it hit her in the face. FML

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Today, I called a wrong number. Calling back the right person, I began a long story about how I'd just called the wrong number. It was the wrong number lady again. FML

Rewarding

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

Sorry

Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having, I shot at him with the sniper gun I'd bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was OK. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML

Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year-old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML

Today, my friends thought it would be hilarious to show me Marley and Me the day right after I had to put down my dog. I had my dog for 11 years. FML

Carpe diem

Today, I was playing with my dog. His bouncy ball rolled under the couch, and I got on my hands and knees to get it. He decided it would be a good chance to hump the shit out of me. FML

Today, I dropped my Blackberry, but thanks to the protective gel case that I just purchased for it... it bounced and fell right into a sidewalk drainage sewer. FML

Timing matters

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML

Right, Imma head out

Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML

Butterfly

Today, I logged on to Facebook to find that my boyfriend's relationship status had changed to being in a relationship with his ex. I asked him about it, and all he said was, "I guess I forgot to break up with you." FML

Today, I started to seductively kiss my girlfriend on the neck. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, "Yes, because I don't have to smell your breath." FML

Today, I was so broke and hungry that I went to Olive Garden and faked being stood up, just so I could eat their breadsticks. FML

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old girl and we were eating chocolate covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts and wondered where the chocolate was. I told her to taste the chocolate you suck on the nuts. Then her parents came home and the first thing she said was, "I learned how to suck nuts!" FML

Today, I was at the water park with my boyfriend. We were getting on a two-person tube slide. As I went to sit in the front I noticed the lifeguard looking me up and down, what I assumed was him checking me out. I found out I was wrong when he said, "Heaviest in back." FML

Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML

Today, my family and I were about to watch the video my dad took of me walking across the stage at my high school graduation. Turns out he recorded the wrong kid. FML