Gwen4var

Today, I am seven months pregnant with my third child. I woke up to my two-and-a-half year old trying to "pop the balloon" in my tummy. FML

Today, I felt sick to my stomach, so I told my mother I didn't want to eat dinner. She started accusing me of being anorexic, so I ate a little bit anyway to make her stop. I then threw up, only for her to take it as confirmation that I have an eating disorder. FML

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

Of course not

Today, my new doctor asked if I'm sexually active. I said no. He nodded and murmured "No surprise there." Thanks, mate. FML

Lucky, huh?

Today, my co-worker told me how "lucky" I am that I "chose" to be a lesbian, because I don't have to deal with "guy drama". I spent two years of my adolescence sleeping at a bus stop and begging strangers for money after I got kicked out of home. FML

At least you tried, son

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform her, I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

Today, I found out my babysitter has been selling the breastmilk I produce for my baby and replacing it with formula, while still taking my money every week. FML

Today, I opened up to my boyfriend about being sexually abused in the past. He said it explains why I'm "such a bitch" when it comes to personal contact. FML

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

Like a house on fire

Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

Nepo baby

Today, at work, our boss's son came in to help. The whole time he was there he sat in the back on his phone not helping and whenever we asked him to do something, he had an attitude. The only time he voluntarily got up to help was when his dad came in to check on the restaurant. FML

Today, I got a new babysitting job. Every time the little girl goes to the bathroom, she screams and cries until I wipe her. She's 7 years old. FML

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition that makes me lactate. I'm a 6' tattooed guy with a boxing competition coming up soon. I'm never going to hear the end of this. FML

Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML

Today, I went to a bingo club with my gran and won the second game and a butthurt old lady accused me of cheating. I ended up being taken aside by an apologetic member of staff and asked to leave. I'm still trying to figure out how you can even cheat at bingo. FML

Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML

Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML

Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML

Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML

Today, my car was broken into. They broke the passenger side window and took my radio system. But they didn't take the remote for it. FML

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

Crackers

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paperwork. Later, she asked me, "What does caucasian mean?" I replied, "Why?" Apparently she didn't recognize the word, so she checked "Other" and wrote in "White". FML

Today, a friend and I went to Gamestop to pick up a game he wanted. I ended up buying a 17+ game, and I was prepared to show my license, but he stopped me an said, "I know you're 18". He then said, "Man, I've pretty much watched you grow up in this store." A game salesman watched me grow up. FML

Bully

Today, I told my dad that I was going to sleep over my friend's house this weekend with a few other guys to play Dungeons and Dragons. He responded with, "Oh, back in my day, me and my pals used to pick on the kids who played Dungeons and Dragons." FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

Today, I was at work doing phone computer support helping a woman with her computer. I asked her to close all her open windows. She deleted all the important company documents in the open folder instead. I got fired because "close windows" and "delete" have become "too technical" for users. FML

Kinda sus

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get hot and heavy in my truck at our favorite park. We started going at it and we were both butt naked when I saw a car pull into the lot. Not only was it a cop car, but the first thing the cop asked my girlfriend was, "Are you being held against your will?" FML