Today, I had to take my husband's laptop to University for an in-class exam. I opened the screen, and loud porn started to auto-play. The silence in the class was deafening as I tried to make it stop. FML
Today, my insomnia wins. I'm too wired and awake to sleep, but too stoned on my sleeping pills to get up and do something productive. FML
Today, I was flipping out because I couldn't find my wallet, and after several hours of cussing myself out, I went downstairs to make breakfast. I poured cereal into my bowl and my wallet flopped out with the Honey Nut Cheerios. I need to stop drinking. FML
Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML
Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she felt bad that her puppy was lonely while we dated. FML
Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML
Today, was my first experience having sex. It was also my first experience with a condom breaking. FML
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