iloveburger

Today, I made a nursing home resident laugh so hard that he had a heart attack. FML

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

Today, I tried to make my mom feel better about me leaving for camp for 2 weeks by saying I wish she would come too. She took me seriously and called the camp and is now a camp counselor there. The only problem is I lied about going to the camp, and I'm really going to my boyfriend's lake house. FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML

This aged well

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

There's no justice

Today, my car got keyed because I was parked in a handicapped parking spot. I'm handicapped. FML

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

The cycle begins

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I've been having panic attacks. I ended up having a panic attack from talking about having a panic attack. FML

Today, I got hit by a car while walking into the hospital to visit my wife, who had also gotten hit by a car. FML

Today, I went to a domestic violence counseling group. I was the only male there, and I explained that my girlfriend punches me in the face in front of my kids. Everyone started laughing. FML

Today, my grandmother yelled at me for driving erratically. I was "driving" in a video game. FML

Today, I missed my bus. But it didn't miss me. I've been in the hospital for 8 hours with a broken leg. FML

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

Today, I found out my mom put breast milk in my cereal until I was 7 years old. FML

Today, I walked into my boss's office to ask for a raise, and walked out unemployed. FML

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I crossed the street without holding her hand. FML

Today, my dad met my boyfriend. It took less than 10 seconds for him to accuse my boyfriend of being a "queer" because his handshake was "too limp". FML

Today, it's been so long since I had sex that even in my sex dreams I'm watching porn alone. FML

Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML

Today, my 14 year old brother and 9 year old sister were fighting. My brother said "You suck!" to my sister, and she replied with "You swallow!" FML

Today, my mother found my escaped pet snake after she had already washed and dried it with the laundry. FML

Today, my mom found my weed stash and went berserk, grounding me and saying she's going to have my bedroom door removed. Less than an hour later, I found her laughing and smoking the same stash with my dad in the backyard. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

The bitch is back

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML