Mademoiselle
Today, I had a quicky with my boyfriend, because his dad was about to pick him up. Afterwards, I texted, "Nice to meet your dad, I hope we didn't look too horny." A few minutes later, he replied, "Great timing, he was holding my phone." FML
Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML
Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML
Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML
Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML
Today, I bought my nephew some giant green Incredible Hulk fists for his birthday. He thanked me by Hulk-smashing me in the nuts. FML
Today, I finally found a cute dress that hugged my curves and hid my imperfections. I wore it to my friend's house, and was feeling pretty good about myself, until some pregnant woman walked into the room wearing the exact same thing. It was a maternity dress. FML
Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML
Today, I was complaining to my husband about a busty but vapid celebrity, and he replied, "She doesn't need brains, honey, she has boobs. You wouldn't understand." FML
Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML
Today, I was excited for my first date in a while, with a "tall handsome business man." Turns out he "doesn't feel emotions anymore", likes getting peed on, and "doesn't do condoms." Thanks, internet dating. FML
Today, a friend and I were walking around a festival when out of nowhere a giant bug hit me in the face. I went into instant ninja mode, screaming and flailing. When I stopped, I realized it was just a leaf and everyone was staring at me. FML
Today, a friend was put on suicide watch when her parents wouldn't pay $500 for a premium senior picture package. FML
Today, I went to the gym. I tried out a new machine where you do one-arm weightlifting. I took my time to get into a good position, then set the machine to the lowest weight possible. I couldn't even lift it an inch. A bunch of buff guys nearby saw me and burst out laughing. FML
Today, I found that I conduct so much static electricity that I'm periodically given a shock by my headphones as I walk with them on. 5ML
Today, I walked into my house with a couple of friends and I saw my girlfriend doing laundry. I jokingly asked her if she had time to do a load of mine as well. She scoffed and said, "Yeah babe, I'll gladly do your laundry… The same day you learn to wipe properly." FML
Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML
Today, I got into THE party of the year. Too bad it was the party my daughter was throwing while her father and I were out of town. FML
Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be me, and tried breaking up with my boyfriend. FML
Today, despite all of the empty seats on the bus, a man sat next to me. So close to me that our legs touched. After a few moments of silence, he got closer and whispered in my ear, "You're so quiet." FML
Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML
Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while I was proposing. FML
Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of class. Thinking I got away with it, I just kept doing my work until some kid across the room says, "I could have done better." FML
Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML
Today, I got sent to the head teacher's office for doing "stupid hand gestures and disrupting the class". Yesterday my teacher had told the class to do the same hand gesture to ask for permission to go to the toilet so it wouldn't interrupt her talking. FML
Today, I found out that my wife of 12 years has slept with the workmen we've had working on our long term building project. They call her the "quickie queen". FML
Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said, "There's my daughter…" He then turned it to me and said "…and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML
Today, my girlfriend interrupted my proposal to take a selfie with the ice cream I had just bought her. She then said no. FML
Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML
Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML
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