Starzak

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

Forgive student debt now!

Today, I was watching a TV show about people with shopping addictions. One girl was $15,000 in debt and I thought how horrible it would be to live with that. Then I realized that I'm in medical school and currently $135,000 in debt. At least they have something to show for their debt. FML

Keep it hidden

Today, the girl I'm in love with invited me to stay with her in Europe for 2 weeks, she's even paying for the flights and accommodation. It's because I'm such a special friend to her, and she wants me to come up to meet her fiancé before she gets married. FML

Today, I took a bike ride to enjoy the weather and stopped for a break on the sidewalk of an overpass, taking in the view of the beautiful hills. I was approached by a cop, who said to me: "Ma'am, I know your life is crap right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. Please don't jump." FML

Today, I exchanged numbers with this guy in the McDonald's drive-thru. When he asked why I gave him my number I told him I thought he had a nice smile. When I asked him the same question, he responded with "I just thought you had a nice rack". FML

Today, I got further with a guy than I've ever before. By that, I mean I got his phone number. FML

Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML

Today, I was walking to work when I saw an empty pop can. Angry at whoever left it, I kicked it out of the way. Turns out it wasn't empty; it was filled with hornets. I had to run 2km to work while being attacked by a giant swarm of wasps. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked her why she did, she said that the psychic that she was texting (one of those 44644 numbers) said we have a 2% compatibility rating. How does that explain 4 years of happy dating? FML

Inked

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off, only to learn that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

Dozing off

Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still when asleep. Nope, not me. Not only had I been violently rocking and nodding my head, the teacher stopped class for everyone to see for 5 minutes as she made jokes. What woke me? The intense laughter, followed by embarrassment. FML

Bizarre love triangle

Today, I realised that the man who I wanted to be with, the man who wanted to be with me, and my husband were three different people. FML

Today, I went to my former high school's homecoming game. A classmate who I always had a crush on looks up and goes "Brian!", holding her arms out for a hug. I hug her and she seems a bit suprised but hugs back anyway. I get up and see another Brian from our class behind me. Shame. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around when he accidentally elbowed me in the eye and I couldn't see. He rolled over, turned on the football game, and told me to just walk upstairs and get ice. He also added that he would like a coke while I am up there. FML

Today, being a music student, a professional orchestra performed a symphony that I wrote and dedicated to my girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be played. My girlfriend forgot to come. FML

Private Freakout

Today, my parents had a fight, which is a pretty normal occurrence at our house. But today, they fought over an orange. Dad is now sitting in his bedroom with the aforementioned orange. FML

Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

No good deed

Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

Doofus

Today, I spent 30 minutes trying to find my glasses. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was wearing them the whole time, or that my girlfriend played along and helped me look for them. FML

Test subject

Today, I signed up for a psych experiment. I was a damsel in distress on the side of the highway, but no one stopped. Back at the lab, another participant said a half-dozen people helped her. The professor was testing how attractiveness affects altruism. I was the unattractive subject. FML

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML

Today, the 6 year old girl I was babysitting asked me, "Why are you so ugly? Are you an alien? Because aliens are about as ugly as you are." FML

Crushed

Today, I went to the drugstore to get supplies for my broken toe. Because of the swelling, I could only wear open-toed sandals on this cold day. At the store, a tall, heavy man in winter boots tried to get by me, and ended up stepping on the toes of my good foot. FML

Welcome back!

Today, I was looking forward to coming home to a freshly-cooked meal. Coming home to a cowering dog, two inches of water on the floor, and being handed a mop is just as good, I guess. FML

Today, as I walked into my class, someone shouted at me, "Wild Snorlax Appeared! Use Your Ultra Balls!", since I am overweight and everyone in class laughed at me. I got made fun of by Pokémon nerds. FML

Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML

Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML