itsallabootily

Today, someone accused me of stuffing my bra when some tissue fell out. I was too embarrassed to tell them I wasn't stuffing, the tissue was used to sop up my boob sweat. FML

Insult of the week

Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from my dad's house. He'd shaved her head bald. "For a laugh." FML

Today, I was taking a dump at work at a nursing home. While reaching for the toilet paper, I accidently pushed the emergency button. The nursing supervisors broke into the washroom to help. FML

Today, I was hauling cow shit. I had a car following me very closely, so I turned on the spreader to get them to back off. It was a cop. I got pulled over in a tractor for spraying cow shit on a cop car. FML

Today, I was trying to sleep, when I felt someone rattling my bed from underneath. Petrified from shock, I lied there for what felt like hours, waiting for a murderer to spring out. I must've finally fallen asleep, and when I woke up in the morning, I found out it was a minor earthquake. FML

Today, my husband and I both got smart watches. We were running around, acting like we were in a James Bond movie, having fun. Until our neighbors called the cops on us for hiding in their bushes. FML

Today, as always, I'd be so incredibly happy if my girlfriend loved me even half as much as she loves her cat. FML

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML