djstiv3

Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML

Today, it's either be alone and miserable, or go on shitty dates and be miserable. I have no other options. FML

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

Today, I went on a date with a girl who had to cut our date short so she could go on another one. FML

Today, I found out I have sodium fluoride poisoning. Apparently, my water has a high level of sodium fluorine. I've been drinking much more water lately trying to be healthier. FML

Today, I sat on the bus for 3 hours stuck in traffic trying to ignore the old lady sitting next to me discreetly masturbating. FML

Today, my date mugged me, just minutes after I paid our bill at the restaurant. FML

Undercover

Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring because he was so good looking. FML

Today, I had to deal with numerous complaints about an employee washing their genitals in the communal bathroom sink. Nothing in the HR manual prepared me for this. FML

Today, the dry skin on my feet has gotten so bad that my boyfriend uses my feet to itch his legs when we're cuddling. FML

Same

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

Today, my boyfriend's dad called me a whore and said I'm trying to use his son and "steal" his virginity for my own needs. My boyfriend has had sex with over 10 girls and I'm a virgin. FML

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend when I began dozing off. I was then awoken by an explosive fart. It was me. FML

Busted

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

Thanks dad

Today, my dad uploaded his porn collection onto our family server. My mom was convinced I did it and sat me down for a long talk. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML