Mademoiselle
Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me." FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend's last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then run up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught in her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML
Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML
Today, I found the birthday card my grandma had mailed. Apparently, it contained a gift of $100. Too bad it was in my mom's trash can, opened, with no money. She told my grandma it must have gotten lost in the mail. FML
Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML
Today, a kid grabbed the receiver to my cochlear implant and ran off with it. I went to a security guard, and, if my lip reading was accurate, he said to "try and make it through the day without it". Without it, I can't hear anything. FML
Today, feeling melancholic, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. You would think he could at least spell my name right while ending our relationship. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend about my foot phobia. To help me "get over it", he took his socks off, pinned me down, and rubbed his foot against my face until I started sobbing. FML
Today, I found out why my wife insisted on naming our first child "George" if it was a boy. It was her first love's name. FML
Today, my husband of 19 years took our children out for dinner, told them he's gay, then sent them home to tell me for him. FML
Today, I had to point out the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" sign at my work to an extremely old, seemingly intoxicated man wearing an ill fitting speedo. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He decided to make gun sound effects as he came. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML
Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML
Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML
Today, I realized the birthmark I have on my chest isn't a birthmark at all; it's a third nipple. FML
Today, my husband invited a couple of his college friends over for dinner. While we were in the middle of eating, one of them asked loudly, "Hey, whatever happened to that fat bitch you dated in your third year?" We've been dating since his second year. FML
Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML
Today, I told my husband I want to lose the baby weight I put on with my recent pregnancy, and once I succeed I will go on a clothes shopping spree. To this he remarked, "So either way I'm spending money; either on food or on clothes." FML
Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML
Today, after staying up all night at my friend's house, I woke up to something I couldn't identify on my cheek, so I slapped it away. When I heard crying, I opened my eyes and realized it was my friend's three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek. FML
Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML
Today, I had the day off from work. I did all the chores hoping to free up time to spend with my husband tonight. When he came home, he looked around and decided that since there was no need for him to stick around and help clean, he'd head to the bar to watch the game with the guys. FML
Today, my best friend decided to start dating my ex. We broke up yesterday. She also thinks I'm crazy because I'm upset about it. FML
Today, I opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped. I never found him. My destination was the vet's office to get him micro-chipped. FML
Today, I spent three and a half hours creating a Wikipedia page for myself. Three minutes after publishing, it was deleted due to me being a "Non-notable person nobody's ever heard of." FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again, but I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out." My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML
Today, while shopping in the baby department at a local department store, a woman approached me asking when I was due. I told her that I was due in 4 months. I lied. I'm not pregnant. FML
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