Mademoiselle
Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML
Today, I was sitting in a parked car. A woman was having difficulties maneuvering out. She honked the horn repeatedly for me to move, then looked me in the eye and called me a "f**king bitch", before driving off. I was in the passenger seat. FML
Today, I don't know anyone in the city where I just moved. I felt really lonely so I picked up my cat to try and cuddle with her. She freaked out and ripped my face apart. She ran then away to go play with the cats outside. Even my cat has more friends than me. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. He then told me that he will love me forever, wait for me and will follow me to the ends of the earth. Apparently, that means standing outside my door and calling my house phone every five minutes. It's been 3 hours straight now. FML
Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML
Today, I participated in a charity auction at my university where the boys are "sold" to the highest bidder to be a slave for a day. My girlfriend and ex were bidding against each other. My ex won. FML
Today, I was giving a tour for parents who wanted to send their kids to our school. One of the parents had a kid on crutches with what appeared to be a broken leg, so I asked him how he broke it. He replied, "I was born like this." FML
Today, I learned the hard way that if you tell your child that they're old enough to cook their own food in the microwave, you have to make sure they're smart enough not to put the metal spoon in with the food as well. FML
Today, I came home to find my 25 year old boyfriend laughing hysterically at his laptop while he made Microsoft Sam say "feces", "penis", and "diarrhea". FML
Today, at a gynecologist's appointment, I was privileged to have 7 co-ed nursing students stare at my vagina for 25 minutes as part of their training. At one point the doctor apologized for having to "open me up more than usual", but said she wanted everyone to get a good view. FML
Today, while playing soccer, I was kicked so hard in the shin that my tibia snapped. The snap was so loud that even the audience heard. As we waited for an ambulance, my mom started yelling for me to get off the field so the game could continue. FML
Today, my dad came up behind me with a pair of scissors, and pretended to snip away at my hair. I was sure he was joking, so I just sat there and didn't react. Later, I felt the back of my head and looked at my hand. Suffice it to say, I now have a large bald patch on the back of my head. FML
Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via Facebook. I don't even have Facebook. My friends had to tell me. FML
Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML
Today, my parents brought me an ice cream birthday cake. I would think after 23 years they would remember my lactose intolerance. FML
Today, I found out that my fiancé is going to be deployed on our wedding day. FML
Today, while parking my car, I accidentally bumped into the car in front of me, making a small, barely noticeable dent. I felt bad, wrote an apology note, and stuck it on his windshield. An hour later, he replied by keying the entire right side of my car. FML
Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML
Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML
Today, my dad called for the first time in six months. He needs someone to bail him out of jail. FML
Today, my boyfriend of almost two years proposed to me. Everything was perfect. The ring was beautiful. And seconds after I said yes, he went to play his new Xbox game. FML
Today, after months of dieting, I finally reached my goal weight. Excitedly I told my boyfriend, who gave me a beautiful dress as an early Christmas present. It was a size too small. FML
Today, I woke up to an early Christmas present on my car. It was a nicely wrapped box containing a dead bird, a half eaten sandwich, and a note reading "MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN." This will probably be my only Christmas present. My name is Luke. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years, the father of my son, has been the pervert who has been harassing my mother with weird texts and pictures of his knob. The cops told me after we went to the police station to report it and catch the creep. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still in love with me, is best friends with my mom. Now every time I come home, she is over. She even spent 4 hours helping us decorate our Christmas tree, and now she is telling my little sister about our love life. FML
Today, I was in the car with my mom. We were discussing my brother, how he's been screwing up majorly lately and she blamed it on his friends. Then she turned to me and said, "It's a good thing you've never had any friends." FML
Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML
Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML
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