Sencilia

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML

Charming

Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied, "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend, and he pretended he was a Burger King employee who found a lost phone, just so that he wouldn't have to talk to me. FML

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss claimed it was because I smelled like alcohol, never mind the fact that my job was brewmaster at a beer company. FML

Today, I had six long hours with the same math teacher. To get home, I travel by bus. Guess who sat down next to me for the whole trip. FML

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

Today, at work, we had an extremely rude customer who started cussing at us, and my coworker started cussing back. I jumped on the register to quickly bring down the line, and apologized to everyone for the scene. A secret shopper was in the line and claimed that I was rude. I got written up. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to piss in the shower while I was standing next to him. I did not mind, until I realised the water flows away incredibly slowly. I had to stand in his piss while the shower filled itself with the sweet odor of fresh urine. FML

Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML

Today, I had to use the restroom while at work. I had the choice of the stall with a broken lock, or the stall with a huge crack in the partition wall. Not two minutes after I sat down, I noticed someone peeking in. FML

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of taking me to the doctor. FML

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He gave me a cupcake. FML

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, my nose hair scares him. FML

College rules

Today, I was in class and felt something tugging on my hair. I thought it was caught on the chair, so I turned around a little to look. The guy behind me was holding my hair and smelling it. He gave me a creepy smile, winked, and continued. FML

Today, I'm participating in a 30 hour awareness-raising event on famine in Africa. I'm supposed to hand out leaflets to people from my booth. My school decided to hand out a literal crate-load of free cupcakes right in front of us. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

Gross idea

Today, my husband and I got into a fight because I refused to let him use my fingernail to clean the plaque off his teeth. FML

Today, my hay-fever started. I'm five months pregnant, and every time I cough, sneeze or blow my nose I either fart or wet myself. FML

Pissed

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML

You deserve each other

Today, my best friend informed me that she has been sleeping with my boyfriend. She tried to justify it by saying, "He's just going to break up with you anyway." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML

Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML

Apron springs

Today, my mother screamed and swore at me because I said I was looking to move out soon. Apparently, the idea of me moving out at 27 and her getting a job to pay her own way is devastating. FML

Today, in the locker room at work, someone tried writing "douche bag" on my locker, and misspelled it four times before apparently giving up. FML

Today, I called my wife from work to check in on her because she's eight months pregnant. She didn't answer. Instead she showed up at my work hysterically crying and screaming, "You don't love me because I'm a fat whale!" She then knocked everything off my desk. FML