Mademoiselle
Today, I realized that something's wrong when you have to go to a mental hospital for a family reunion. FML
Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML
Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML
Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year-old son does. FML
Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML
Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML
Today, I received a call from the company I applied to, only to have my father pick it up and make fun of the man's accent. They won't call me back or take any of my calls, and my dad is completely unapologetic. FML
Today, I introduced my mother to my new girlfriend. My mom made a very nasty comment about her in Spanish, not realizing that my girlfriend teaches Spanish at the local school. FML
Today, I had my first free night in months. I spent it doing homework and watching TV. I had set my Facebook status to say I was spending time with the boys from The Big Bang Theory, then fell asleep. I woke up later to an angry text from my boyfriend thinking I was cheating on him. FML
Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML
Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML
Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML
Today, my daughter decided to wake me up by putting the vacuum in my hair and turning it on. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey. On my forehead. FML
Today, in the midst of sleep, my boyfriend hurled my cellphone across the room and into the wall because he couldn't be bothered to pick up or hang up an incoming call. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML
Today, I repeatedly screamed so loudly and with such emotion at a video game, that my neighbours thought I was in trouble and called the police. FML
Today, I went to McDonald's and ordered a Happy Meal with a girl's toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn't get her toy. FML
Today, I posted on Facebook saying I'm in a new relationship. One of my buddies said, "You're cheating on Jill?" My girlfriend saw this and went completely nuts, not giving me a chance to explain that "Jill" is just a euphemism for your hand. FML
Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML
Today, a lady told me her husband had sinus surgery. I replied, "Oh, I know someone who just had that done." I then realized I meant Alexis on The Real Housewives of the OC. FML
Today, I had to call the Australian Passport office to track my passport. Turns out they lost it in the mail. A week ago, I got my dream job as a flight attendant. Without a passport they won't accept me. I lost my dream job before I even started it. FML
Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML
Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML
Today, I started my brand new job. I was late because while repairing my favorite pair of high heels, I got Superglue in my eye. They had to scrape my cornea and I have to wear an eye patch. I'm now the "New pirate" in the office. FML
Today, I went to my Christian accountability partner from church to talk about continuing to maintain Christian values. We had sex. Oh, the irony. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML
Today, I took a pregnancy test. I waited the longest two minutes of my life just to realize I missed the stick. FML
Today, during sex, my boyfriend stopped and asked if he could eat a sandwich while we do it. FML
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