Sencilia

Today, it was my father's wedding. He never really cared for me, and his fiancée is my age, but I thought it would mean a lot to him if I went. I was supposed to wait for his call the day before, so he would give me directions and tell me when it starts. He never called. FML

Today, I played a goth character in my friend's student film with goth clothes, lip ring, eyeliner, etc. We went into Starbucks at break and an elderly man came up to me and said "Your kind is the reason for all the bad stuff in this world" and then spat in my $5 drink. FML

Today, while at work I passed out due to my blood sugar not being normal. Despite the fact that it took 10 minutes to wake me, no one thought I was in any sort of danger. After the episode, I then got fired for "sleeping on the job." FML

Best day of my life

Today, my dad threw up on my dress. My wedding dress. While he was walking me down the aisle. FML

Thanks, kids

Today, I told my son and daughter that their father and I were getting a divorce. They each responded with something like, "Yay! I want to live with Daddy! He buys better presents!" Their father has literally never bought anything for them, one of the many reasons I'm divorcing him. FML

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back: my ex-boyfriend. FML

Heartwarming

Today, my college roomate and I received our first pieces of mail. We were very excited because our mailbox wasn't empty anymore. She got a package of home baked cookies in the mail from her family. I got a letter from a stranger in prison. FML

Thanks, I hate it!

Today, I got a text message from a number I didn't know telling me, "Fine. It's over, have a wonderful life." I've never had a girlfriend and now I get broken up with by girls I don't even know. FML

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

Today, I found out my mom is the nude model for an art class at my college. FML

Today, I volunteered to be Auctioned off for Charity. I went for $3. FML

Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML

Today, I suffered a mental breakdown. I told my roommates about it, and they decided to throw a very loud party while I was sobbing in my room, unable to sleep. My Xanax prescription ran out, I have no more sick days, and I have to wake up in two hours to work a ten hour day. FML

Today, I confronted my boyfriend because I suspected he had been cheating. His reply? "Took you long enough to figure it out." FML

Help!

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

Today, for my birthday, my friends and family gave me: A Wii Fit, a free year at the gym and a book of diet recipes. They didn't consult with each other. I've asked for "something corresponding to me". FML

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

Tactful

Today, I had to put my 17 year-old cat down. I cried the whole way up to the vet's office and back. After finally coming to terms with the situation, and trying to forget, my dad's friend walks up to me and says, "So, I heard you killed your cat?" FML

Don't blame me

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend at her request, because she "didn't have the heart to do it." Within twenty minutes I'd received four calls from mutual friends, including my best friend, telling me what a jerk I am. And one from my mom. FML

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

Fine, I'll wait

Today, I was in agonizing pain and couldn't move. My parents said they couldn't take me to the ER until the football game on TV was over. FML

Emma

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

Today, I had to pull cheese out of my PS3's disc tray because my younger brother assumed all PS3's could grill stuff because "Youtube told him." FML

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML

Bye!

Today, I was fired from my job. The reason? My boss didn't feel comfortable paying his son's girlfriend. FML

Today, I found the Christmas 'newsletter' my mom sends out every year to our extended family and friends that details our activities and achievements of the past year. I wasn't mentioned once. FML

Today, after telling my girlfriend that I loved her, she dumped me claiming I was getting "too attached". I've already spent almost $400 on her Valentine's Day present. FML

Today, I found out that my most amazing spring break ever, will be spent stuck on a ship with my ex. It's been almost two years, and he still isn't over me. Yay. This cruise shall be fun. FML