Puddlepop

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML

That's so lovely!

Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

Today, I got asked out for the second time in my life. Since my first date didn't go so well I thought I might have better luck with a different guy. I had to end the date when he confessed it was his destiny to kill his father. FML

Am I being detained?

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

Today, a guy came by my house and demanded my fiancé come out and fight. He explained that my fiancé had been stupid enough to not only troll on a local interest forum, but to leave his name and our address, inviting people to "come shut me up if you think you're tough enough." FML

Today, I was working retail when a group of older gentlemen came in looking for a good sound system. I showed them a top-range system and gushed about it in detail, trying to close the sale. One of them snorted and said, "See Dave, girls like her are the reason ball gags were invented." FML

Today, my daughter sat me down for a long talk. It turns out that she thinks she is the Chosen One. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML

Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

Today, while at the grocery store, I saw my mother. I thought it would be funny to scare her by sneaking up and grabbing her ass. Not only was it not my mom, I left the place with a ban from ever returning to that store. FML

Consent

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontanous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

Today, my daughter and her boyfriend excitedly told me that after months of trying they are finally pregnant and that I'm going to be a grandmother. This would be great news if they weren't 15. FML

Leave me alone

Today, I had to serve my boyfriend's father with a restraining order. FML

Self-fulfilling prophecy

Today, I woke up after having a nightmare that my girlfriend broke up with me. Needing reassurance, I told her about it. She became furious with me saying that she'd never do that and called me an "inconsiderate fucking bastard for even thinking that." Then she broke up with me. FML

Quick thinking

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and best friend making out. His explanation was that he was trying to stop her from having an allergic reaction to peanut butter. FML

Time waster

Today, I had sex with this guy I had been crushing on for five years. It took longer to put my clothes back on than he lasted. FML

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML

Today, my brother decided to join me on my first date. Not only did he answer the door with a bat, he also got inside the car and sat next to my date, pushing me to the back. He stayed the entire time, and walked me back to the house. My mom laughed and gave him $20. It was a dare. FML

Today, I had the best sex of our relationship with my boyfriend. Afterwards, he took off his condom, looked me sweetly in the eyes for a few moments, then decided to slap me in the face with it. FML

Today, my "friend" thought it'd be absolutely hilarious to use my phone to text my girlfriend, bragging that I'd found a new "slampiece" and that she's "fukcin dumpd". Now I'm single, her dad keeps making threatening calls to me, and nobody will even listen to my side of the story. FML

God laughs

Today, I had plans for a romantic night with my boyfriend, who is perfect in every way possible. We were going to have sex for the first time as well. Unfortunately, I had a dream last night about him shitting all over me and I can't look at him with a straight face. FML

Words are hard

Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

Affectionate, huh?

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

Today, I was walking down the street in the dark, and the woman in front of me kept looking back nervously. I jokingly assured her that I wasn't a mugger. She then took out a knife and mugged me. FML

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML