myanichole

Today, my overly-clean mum decided to drop by and surprise me by cleaning my house while I was out jogging. She used half a bottle of bleach, and now it hurts to blink, let alone breathe. FML

Today, a couple asked me to donate my eggs so they could start a family. When I refused, I was called heartless by my ex-husband and the woman he cheated on me with for over two years. FML

Today, was my first experience having sex. It was also my first experience with a condom breaking. FML

Today, my 14 year old brother and 9 year old sister were fighting. My brother said "You suck!" to my sister, and she replied with "You swallow!" FML

Today, I made a nursing home resident laugh so hard that he had a heart attack. FML

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

Today, I decided to go thrifting to save some money. Ironically, I ended up having to pay for an emergency trip to the hospital because somebody was too lazy to wash the cat hair off their clothes. I'm severely allergic to cats. FML

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his friends as his "sex partner." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex quite aggressively. Towards the end, he lifted his hips off the bed and then headbutted me in the nose. The only thing that came today was blood all over my new bra. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

Today, I took an online IQ test, even though I knew they give everyone unrealistically high scores. My score was 73. FML

Squelching the night away

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML

Today, my mother found out about the psychology exam I have to take tomorrow. Before leaving for her vacation this morning, she grabbed the internet router and took it with her to "get rid of distractions". I have one day to figure out how to access this online exam without Internet. FML

WAKEY WAKEY

Today, I woke up with a electric dog collar on my neck. I wouldn't have noticed it until my stepfather turned the collar to the highest intensity just to wake me up. FML

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

Today, I was at work at a supermarket straightening shelves in the food aisles. Just as I had finished and got ready to clock out, I heard a giant crash. A lady in a motor scooter knocked over an entire aisle of canned goods. She got up and walked away just fine, pretending nothing happened. FML

Today, my mother talked shit about me to the cat while I was in the room. FML

Today, I was on a roller coaster behind a boy who vomited in front of me as the cart shot down. It splattered all over my arm, and a little on my cheek. FML

Chain reaction

Today, whilst still trying to potty train my puppy and keep her from both peeing and pooping in the house, my lactose intolerance kicked in full fledge. Every time I pass gas, she smells poop and believes it's okay to immediately drop a deuce on the carpet. FML

Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML

Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML

Turn on

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

Today, at my grandmother's funeral, my senile grandfather kept asking me "Where's granny? I've been looking for her, but I can't find her." FML