Chibiko

Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML

Today, while showering with my boyfriend, he asked if something was weird about his penis. Naturally, I looked closer. As soon as I did, he sprayed my face with urine. This is only the beginning; we just moved in. FML

Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML

Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML