MoNercy

Today, I was fired from the restaurant I work at because I missed my shift. I missed it because I was in the hospital for food poisoning from the meal I ate at work last night. FML

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

Today, I applied for a job and sent my CV, then realised I sent the example CV I got off the internet. Now they think Bob Brown who lives at 123 Sunshine Street is applying for a job. FML

Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

Today, I went to an elementary school for volunteer work. I was asked to read to a group of kids during one of the classes. Before I started reading, a girl raised her hand and asked me if I had a boyfriend and if I was single. I asked her why and she said "My daddy wanted to know." I'm 16. FML

Bon appétit

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from underground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls, only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has a chipped tooth is because his teeth hit another girl's teeth while kissing her. FML

Cake day

Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML

Today, I dropped my iPod Touch underneath concrete slab steps, and it's physically impossible to get it back. If you stand above where the iPod is, you can still hear it play music. It's like it's mocking me. FML

Handlebar

Today, I realised that I could see my own mustache out of my peripheral vision while I was eating. I'm a 23 year-old woman. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML

Today, my dad asked me for a word that rhymed with vagina. He was filling out an anniversary card for my mom. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided he hates my male best friend because they have "conflicting interests." My best friend's response? "What's his gamertag so I can shoot him in Halo?" FML

Reasonable

Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!" FML

Precaution

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for coming inside her because she didn't want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

The Destroyer

Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300-pound man walked out, shook his head, and said, "I'm sorry" to me. FML

Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML

Class dismissed

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said, "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me. In the most sincere and honest tone, he said "if I ever have or ever will, there's no way you would ever find out. I love you too much to lose you", and gave me a hug. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML

Today, while driving home, I was so lonely I turned on my GPS, even though I knew the way, so it would feel like I had someone to talk to. It made me feel better. FML

Today, I found out my daughter has a higher paid job in the same company I work in. I also found out she is dating my boss. FML

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

Festive spirit

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

Today, while parked at school, someone broke into my car by smashing the window. I called the police and they informed me I could drive it to the local station as it was an easy 2 minute drive. As I was driving there, I got pulled over for driving with a smashed window. FML

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

Today, after months of dieting, I finally reached my goal weight. Excitedly I told my boyfriend, who gave me a beautiful dress as an early Christmas present. It was a size too small. FML