Monsieur Perth, Australia 33 ans Célibataire
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML
Today, I went to the store with my 4 1/2 year old daughter. When we got to the cosmetics aisle, she asked what make-up was for, I told her it was to make women prettier. My daughter then told me it was a good thing I wear make-up because I was ugly and that I might scare off my husband. FML
Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yelled at the top of her voice, "Stop following me, you freak." I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML
Today, I left my car in a disreputable area. After picking it up later on, I heard a strange "clonking" sound. The clonking suddenly stopped when my wheel fell off; someone had stolen my wheel nuts. FML
Today, my house was broken into. Apparently, I have nothing good enough in my house to steal, so they took my cake. FML
Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML
Today, my younger brother called me saying he's getting married. Now, I have to attend my ex's wedding. I'm the best man. FML
Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML
Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML
Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend can name each and every Pokémon, but can't remember my birthday. FML
Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML
Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML
Today, it was my first time taking blood on the ward. The doctor saw that I was nervous and gave me a violent old man with schizophrenia who thought I was there to kill him. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend's "therapy" meetings have been with my best friend, in his truck. FML
Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML
Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML
Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML
Today, I was texting my girlfriend about cross dressing and I said, "It would be hard for me to conceal my weapon." She instantly replied, "Not really, it's like finding a needle in a haystack, you'll be alright." FML
Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML
Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML
Today, I was assigned to write a short story about what we imagine Earth to be like in 500 years, and daily conflicts people experience. My teacher loved it and read it aloud to the class. He asked for my inspiration, and I didn't have the heart to say that I ripped off Mass Effect 3. FML
Today, it's been a week since I've been in hospital. No one has been to visit me. The nurses have nicknamed me "The Lonely One." FML
Today, I accidentally bumped into another car on the road. The worst of the damage was a slight chip to the other driver's paint, but she played it up so much that she ended up being taken away in an ambulance. I'm now terrified that the crazy bitch is going to sue me. FML
Today, I had a job interview. I didn't have any clothes suitable for the interview, so I went to the store early and bought some there. After the interview, I went to return the clothes, because they were so expensive. The hiring manager saw me. FML
Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML
Today, the doctor told my husband that he is infertile due to slow sperm. As if this is not upsetting enough, my husband blames it on me. According to him, his sperm doesn't get 'aroused' because I'm not sexy enough. FML
Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old daughter holding a lit lighter to the underside of a spoon, which was full of baking powder. She was trying to breathe in the fumes to get high, and later confessed that she thought it's how heroin is made and used. FML
Today, I bought a live lobster to have for dinner. When my four year old daughter discovered it in the cooler, she thanked me incessantly for finally getting her a pet. She now won't let "Mr. Shelly" out of her sight. FML
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