BlissfulLiss

Limited edition prank

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

Today, a drunken customer blindsided me after I told him I would not be giving him a free drink after I watched him put his own hair in it. FML

Vocab test

Today, I was mentioning to a coworker how there was a huge lull today in business. A young coworker then turned to me and sead in a snooty tone, "I think you mean a 'lol', it's pronounced L-O-L." FML

Big whoops

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML

Today, my husband got mad at me for not helping take out the groceries from the car. He yelled that I'm lazy, and that he regrets our marriage. I guess he forgot that the door handle on that side is broken and he had to let me out of the car. FML

Today, after making several comments about how I didn't exactly look thin, my boyfriend said, "Well, at least we know you'll look good pregnant." FML

TMI

Today, I learned I was conceived to the sounds of a Spice Girls album. FML

Today, I got a concussion. It was when an entire shelf of bicycle helmets tumbled onto my skull. FML

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

Today, the day before I'm supposed to leave for a long-anticipated trip to Europe, my mother admitted that she's never paid for it. She only told me she did so I would stop hinting that I wanted to go. I gave up Christmas for this trip. FML

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

Fight Club

Today, I got into a fight with my brother that somehow ended with him breaking my toe with a Fisher-Price airplane. FML

Today, my sister introduced our parents to her new boyfriend. He's my boyfriend, and he told me he was going to be out of state for a few weeks on business. FML

Today, a girl came up and hugged me. At first I was frightened, but then I asked who she was. Turns out she was the kid I babysat for 3 years. She cried when she realized I didn't remember her, then threw gravel in my face and ran away. FML

Today, while taking an order over the phone for the customer at work, I began to hear slight moans. The moans gradually became faster and louder, until climax was achieved and I realized I was being used for phone sex. FML

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I "jack off real weird." FML

Today, I decided to make what I thought was a pretzel recipe. I ended up eating cooked, egg-coated play dough. Literally, homemade Play-Doh. FML

Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML

Mum

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred, "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

Poor Neil…

Today, I found out that my roommate secretly edited a paper I wrote and recently turned in, so that it repeatedly refers to the famed author "Kneel Gayman." I'm positive that's not how it's spelled. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he thought he heard another guy in the room when he called me, and that I'm cheating on him. The guy he heard was a character from a cartoon my sister was watching. FML

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents, despite my long-standing protests. Over the next hour, they asked her if she'd ever considered becoming a swinger, why not, if she'd ever consider it in future, and to keep them in mind if she does. FML

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text message saying "It's over!" I sent him maybe a thousand texts saying "Why?", "What do you mean?!" After an hour of crying and whatnot, I realized he had driver's education today and that he was saying the class was over. FML

Today, during school, I passed out in the lunch line and hit my head on the metal rail as I fell. Rather than helping or expressing concern at all, my friends simply left my unconscious body on the floor. Why? They had to get to the lasagna before the cafeteria ran out of it. FML

Sitcom vibes

Today, I went with my boyfriend to meet his parents. I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and I ended up taking a huge crap that wouldn't flush. I had to reach in and break it up with my hands just so it would flush. Only after I washed up did I notice a plunger sitting under the sink. FML