tophilis

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

Today, someone broke into my car just to steal the freshly baked cookies in the back seat. They also left a thank you note. FML

Today, our cleaning lady's son came to our house claiming that his mother had died of a heart attack. We gave him her entire month's salary as well as some extra money. A few hours later, our cleaning lady turned up for work. Turns out she doesn't have a son. FML

Today, I found out that I was adopted. I'm 46 years old with 11 real siblings and no one bothered to tell me until I found the documents in my dead adoptive father's house. FML

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

Takes one to know one

Today, I was pulled over for a DWI. The police officer was drunk. FML

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML

Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML

WTF Mom?

Today, I found out my little sister is marrying my ex, and that my mother set them up. FML

Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she'll be having her period, since she was acting pretty bitchy the last time around. She duct taped my leg hair and ripped it off while I was napping. FML

Pissed

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for the first time. I cracked a joke that offended her, so she gave me the silent treatment. I had to pee, and since she wouldn't tell me where the bathroom was, I went to look for it. I walked in on her parents making love. FML

Today, I was fixing a leak in the roof. When I was climbing down the ladder, it fell, but I managed to grab the ledge of the roof. The ladder hit my wife's car, then I fell on top of the ladder. My wife came running out to ask what happened to the car. FML

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

Today, I found out that the extremely attractive man that works in my building can hear everything I say about him through the paper-thin walls. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to break up with me but it had to be after our cruise together because he doesn't want to lose out on money. Can't wait for the Bahamas. FML

Great timing, dude

Today, I was telling my best friend that I was feeling unattractive, and that I never get asked out. As she was trying to make me feel better, we were interrupted by a stranger trying to hit on her. FML

Today, I decided to not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML

Today, I'm going to court to give an eyewitness account of a robbery. Unfortunately, I had a wacky dream last night concerning the robbery, and no longer have any idea of what actually happened in real life. FML

Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML

Memories

Today, I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. His answer was, "Garbage day?" It's our six-year anniversary. FML

Today, the whole family came over to celebrate my 18th birthday. My grandfather bought me a giant mathematics book. Apparently, he didn't want my 16 year old sister to be "jealous", so he got her the new iPad. FML

Today, I received a call from my future sister in-law, telling me that she and her future husband had decided to hold their wedding ceremony on my birthday. I was told not to celebrate my birthday, as it would "take away the attention to the true meaning of the day." FML

Today, I attended my 10-year high school reunion. My ex-husband's new wife showed up in the same dress as mine. I guess both the dress and my ex-husband look better on her. FML

Today, as I was waiting for my girlfriend in the street, I saw a woman who looked a lot like her. I ran towards her, my arms in the air ready to give her a hug, only to realise it wasn't her. I then had to pass the woman, my arms in the air, still running. FML

Today, my seemingly normal girlfriend decided to erase every girl's name out of my phone. Family and all. FML

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, she asked me to whisper her name. Apparently, her name isn't Kate. FML

Regressive

Today, at the age of 29, I now have a relationship on par with a teenager's. Several weeks ago, my fiancé and I lost our home, and are now back living with our respective families. We now have no privacy. I actually just got dropped off at home, before 10, after having sex in a hay field. FML

Nostalgia

Today, I realized that the comforting, unique scent of my mother in my childhood was actually the smell of the marijuana she smokes. FML