30 ans Célibataire
Today, I was so proud I'd fixed the toilet with a hardware store part without even having to call a plumber. As I happily put the lid back on the tank, I dropped the lid, which broke the tank, spilling water everywhere. Now I need a new toilet, a new floor, and I have to call the plumber. FML
Today, I realised that as I get closer to home, I drive slower and slower so I'm away from my husband for longer. FML
Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML
Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML
Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years in front of the sell-out crowd at the baseball game, but at the security checkpoint, the security guard made me take the ring out and open it after I walked through the metal detector. No need to say it, worst proposal ever. FML
Today, I was traveling. At airport security, the woman patting me down felt something "down there" and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was a sanitary napkin. She put her hands inside my pants just to be sure. FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML
Today, I placed sticky mouse traps in my bedroom. it's now 12:05 a.m. and I've successfully caught a mouse. Too bad I'm scared of them and my husband is passed out asleep. I now get to listen to a mouse squeak all night and have to be up in 4 hours. FML
Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML
Today, I spent two hours organizing all of my coupons, just to leave out my room for ten seconds to come back to my two-year-old crumbling them up and ripping them. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going to shower together, and things were getting heated until we actually got into the shower and found my roommate's fingernail clippings all over the place. FML
Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML
Today, a street "musician" drummed on buckets directly outside my work for two hours. Right as I was about to lose it, he stopped playing. Within 5 minutes, someone else started playing the saxophone. FML
Today, the owner of the house I'm renting said he doesn't want to pay $4000 to fumigate the home, and that he'll take care of the issue himself. I have killed 30 angry wasps in the last hour. There are thousands living in the walls, but I think their favorite place is my bathroom and my bed. FML
Today, I'm a college student. Just like every other goddamn day, my roommate set about twenty alarms a good two hours before she even needs to get up. She just sleeps through the first hour or so of alarms while I wake up. I've been waking up at 6 a.m., even though my first classes are at 9. FML.
Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I'm now his boss. FML
Today, I finally got the courage to ask my boss why the flowers I got her for her birthday the other day were in the conference room and not her office. She told me she was allergic to them and she had such a bad reaction that it made her go home early. I made my boss sick on her birthday. FML
Today, I finally bought my first car after saving around £5000 and finding an absolute bargain that ticked all the boxes! Today was also the day of my first ever car accident, resulting in the car being written off by an uninsured driver. I had it less than 9 hours. FML
Today, I found out that I spent 3 whole days cleaning my apartment thoroughly and paid $100 to get my carpet professional cleaned to not get my $950 deposit back because the carpet smells like dog. I don't have a dog. FML
Today, my toddler son walked up to my older daughter and kissed her chest, then said, "I kissed the boob." I have no idea where he learned that word. FML
Today, while checking my voicemail, I noticed I had received one from a job that I've been trying to get in for months. Too bad they called two weeks ago. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML
Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML
Today, I confessed my feelings to the only man I've ever loved. He asked me for dating advice. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML
Today, a classmate found out I have a boyfriend. He said, "Really? YOU??" FML
Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML
Today, while at my job as a lifeguard, a little girl got stuck in the shower cubicle because the lock wouldn't open. To get her out, I had to lift the door off the hinges and swing it open, a fairly safe procedure. The hinges broke, though, and I ended up hitting the girl with the door. FML
Today, I got into my dream university. I also got turned down for the scholarship and the loan that would enable me to actually go. FML
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