_fml_101

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

Today, while on my Dad's computer, I looked through the browser history to find the name of a website I'd visited on it the other day. I soon found out he watches a staggering amount of downright frightening incest porn. I'm disturbed on so many levels. FML

Breakdown

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

Oh no oh my

Today, I went on a fabulous date with a really cute, smart, funny guy. He only mentioned his dad, so when I asked about his mom, I asked if they were divorced. She'd died of breast cancer so I felt awful. Then I asked if his dad had ever remarried. His stepmom had died of cancer too. FML

Congratulations

Today, my step-sister told me that she was getting married to her girlfriend next summer. At a big family brunch, I made a toast to their marriage. I didn't know that my step-mom didn't know they were dating in the first place, or that she was severely homophobic. FML

Alarmed

Today, thinking no one was home, I decided to be a little frisky with my boyfriend. I guess I was being loud and woke up my sleeping autistic brother the room over. Halfway through, he burst through the door, panicking. He thought I was having another one of my asthma attacks. FML

Today, I met my wife's mistress, at the maternity ward in the hospital, after she gave birth to our second child. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. It got hot and intense and we were really into it, until she blurted out, "Oh baby, rub your penis against mine". FML

Who's at fault?

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

Today, my boyfriend got upset that I wouldn't give him head. He was visiting me at the hospital. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I had any kinks, so I told him all about them. He was actually mad because I didn't have the same 'sexy kinks' the girls in porn have. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML

Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I spent the day sobbing in my bedroom and talking shit about him on Facebook after blocking him. He ended up changing his mind and calling me, asking me to take him back. Now I have to awkwardly explain to everyone that we're back together. FML

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

******

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I got ahold of the girl he was cheating on me with. She was as oblivious as I was of each other's existence. Apparently, the fucker told her he lived with his "sister," who's "a bitch and makes his life impossible." He was referring to me. FML

Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

Today, I told my best friend she looked great in the dress she was wearing. My boyfriend overheard and is now convinced I'm a lesbian. FML

Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML

Today, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me. When I shoved him away and demanded to know what the fuck he was doing, he said he didn't think I was really a lesbian because I went on a date with a guy. Once. Over 15 years ago. FML

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

Today, someone photoshopped my head onto some nude girl's body and spread it around at school. It was shockingly convincing. Now everyone's calling me a slut, and the worst part is I have no idea which photo the person used or where they got it from, so I can't prove it's a fake. FML

Today, I brought a boy home for the first time, only to have my dad ask him what his mother's maiden name was. When he answered, my dad exclaimed, "Oh yeah! I think I dated her in high school. I could be your father!" FML

Today, my teacher plugged the speakers into the wrong input on his computer, and said, "Oops, wrong hole", to which one of the students who often makes the same mistake said, "Story of my life". I understood it differently and started laughing. It would have been fine if the teacher wasn't her father. FML

Today, I was walking to class. While waiting at the crosswalk, a guy cat-called me from his car. I guess he was pissed that I didn't respond, because he purposely drove through a puddle and completely soaked me and the expensive textbook I was holding. FML

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I was backing out of his driveway when he came running out yelling "STOP!" I thought he wanted to make up so I kept going, until I'd run over his dog. FML