VGQ

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

Today, my boyfriend fed a "random mushroom from the woods" to my rabbit. It then had a violent seizure and died. He claims it must have been from "natural causes". FML

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

What the…

Today, at my annual checkup, the doc looks down at my foot and says, "Oh, you have an extra toenail. Six, huh?" Then sort of scraping at the side of my foot below the pinky toe, he pulls off a long piece of dead, dried skin and says, "Oh." FML

Today, I walked in on my sister shoving her vibrating phone into her privates. Can't erase that image. FML

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

Today, I found out that when I was 4 I killed my bunny by drowning it. Apparently, my aunt bribed me to do it because it pooped in her shoes. FML

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

Today, in the middle of a presentation, I fought a shart, but the shart won. FML

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

Today, while babysitting my nephew, I was looking through a bin of toys, and I saw a fake spider. I picked it up to do a prank with. It wasn't fake. FML

Well played

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML

Today, my brother slapped me across the face with a piece of raw chicken for not liking his Instagram post. FML

Today, I coughed so much I threw up, then whilst recovering from throwing up, a fly flew into my mouth and I ate it. I then promptly threw up again. FML

Today, I was talking with some friends and the girl I like. During a lull in the conversation, she looked at me and said, "Ugh, I really wanna pop your zits." FML

Today, I was walking through school when I noticed an advertisement for school picture retakes. It read, "Bad hair day?" Underneath was my picture. That's my normal hair. FML

Today, I laughed about a fold in my girlfriend's jeans that felt like she had a tiny boner. She started crying. Turns out she has a slight deformity. Oops. Explains why we've been taking it so slow. FML

Today, I accidentally Googled "best types of incest" instead of "best types of incense" on the family computer. The parental controls went nuts. I'm now grounded, and my parents are convinced I need psychiatric help. FML

Close, but no cigar

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

Today, my boyfriend brought me a bunny for a house present for moving into our first house. She escaped her cage and bit through the electrical wires, cutting out all our power and electrocuting and killing herself. FML

Today, I was stabbed because a mugger got mad that I was broke. FML

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

An attempt was made

Today, I noticed a guy checking out my ass in the mirror behind the bar where I work. He was cute, so I thought I'd put on a little show. I bent over to reach for something near the floor, which caused me to let rip a series of uncontrollable farts, like popping bubble wrap. He quickly left. FML

Today, I had such a big hiccup that I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

Today, I felt flexible in my yoga class. I put my legs in the butterfly position and tried to press them down. Both my hips popped very painfully and I screamed in the middle of a quiet room. FML

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were, "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

Today, I was in bed with the stomach flu. My boyfriend thought it would be funny to fart in the fan next to our bed, which caused me to vomit all over myself. FML

Today, I fractured my shinbone after slipping on a leaf. FML