cmcool5T

Today, my girlfriend said, "People think I don't have talent, but I do. I'm really good with my mouth. Just ask anyone." FML

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

Today, a customer was rude to me, and I was rude back. He then asked for my manager, and I told him I was the store manager. He then identified himself as the corporate owner. FML

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML

Mean girls

Today, I wore my cheerleading uniform to my boyfriend's house. He was a nerd in high school and mentioned a fantasy about hooking up with a cheerleader. I started acting sassy and a little mean, figuring he would enjoy a more realistic experience. Apparently not, because he started to cry. FML

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. While I was holding my four year old son, he managed to unclip the back of my dress and give the whole church a show. FML

Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML

Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by putting a Post-it note on my locker that said, "Consider yourself dumped." FML

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

Today, my mom got drunk and told me to leave the house because "I've been mooching off her for too long". I'm 14 and now am sleeping at my friends house. FML

Tickle time

Today, I told my boyfriend to stop tickling me, since I absolutely hate being tickled. He got extremely pissed at me and left the room. It took me a full five minutes to realize that I'd called him by my ex's name. FML

Close encounters

Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML

Today, I have been released from jail because my idiot friends decided to get me a surprise hooker for my birthday. Turns out "Candy" was actually an undercover cop. My friends ditched me. I was the only one arrested. FML

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML

Yummy

Today, I was late for work. Trying to cut a few seconds off the clock, I tried to open my breakfast candy bar while taking a piss. I ended up pissing all over myself and dropping the bar in the toilet. FML

Today, I woke up to people in the parking lot screaming "everybody wake up". They've been doing this at 7 every morning since I moved in 3 months ago. FML

Drunk and orderly

Today, when drunk, I became OCD about everything and spent 3 hours making sure that the books on my shelves were straight. I thought that being drunk was supposed to be fun. FML

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

Shame!

Today, my mother commented "Loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADHD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

Today, I realized that I've been intentionally causing arguments with my husband because the spare bed is more comfortable. FML

Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML

Expert level

Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML