ipelican

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

Sweaty

Today, it was so hot in the un-airconditioned gym that when I got up off the floor, I slipped in my own pool of sweat and got a concussion. FML

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

Today, I was going so slow in traffic that my GPS asked me if I wanted to switch to pedestrian mode. FML

Today, I tried to give my husband a striptease for his birthday. I wound up tripping over my own panties and nearly dislocating my shoulder. FML

Today, I got a call from my son's kindergarten teacher. Apparently my son asked a girl to marry him. After she said no, he stabbed her with a fork. FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML

Today, my house was broken into. After we called the police, my dad started calling himself Sherlock Holmes and talking in a British accent. He insists on calling me Watson. He is going around the neighborhood acting like Sherlock, investigating stuff. He won't stop. FML

Stuck

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

Keep cool

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm… Your house is on fire." FML

Today, my teacher told the class that we had better like the people at our table because we would all be working together for the final group assessment. Everyone looked at me, stood up, and moved. FML

Hummmmm

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

Today, my house was broken into. They didn't take much, but they did paint spunking cocks on the walls and furniture. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time after we made up from a huge fight. He loves my cat, but she's sick right now so she wouldn't play with him. He yelled at me for "making" her not like him by "telling her lies". FML

Today, I got my daughter's school pictures. Instead of smiling, she did the duck face. She's 6. FML

The bitch is back

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

Today, for Easter, my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around when he accidentally elbowed me in the eye and I couldn't see. He rolled over, turned on the football game, and told me to just walk upstairs and get ice. He also added that he would like a coke while I am up there. FML

Today, my mom learned how to use the text messaging on her smartphone. I've received 37 already, and she calls after every single one to make sure I understood her. FML

Today, I found out that when I text my boyfriend, he isn't the one to read them. Instead, he pays his friend to "keep the bitch busy." FML

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML