Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML
Today, I got a phone call letting me know my grandmother was arrested for trying to light my grandpa on fire. She's now in jail, asking for bail money. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought I was going to ask him if we wanted children together. Instead of talking about it, he pretended to have a violent seizure and die. FML
Today, my roommate remembered that we have an essay due Monday, so he wrote the full essay, while stoned, in less than an hour, without using his textbook. It was better than the one I spent all week writing. He is now upstairs having sex, and I've lost all motivation. FML
Today, my teacher plugged the speakers into the wrong input on his computer, and said, "Oops, wrong hole", to which one of the students who often makes the same mistake said, "Story of my life". I understood it differently and started laughing. It would have been fine if the teacher wasn't her father. FML
Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML
Today, somebody kicked the crap out of my car and spray painted "CHEATER" on the sides. I've never even had a girlfriend. FML
Today, I twisted my knee while cutting firewood with my grandpa. The pain was so crippling, I fell over screaming. His response? "Quit your bitching, I had my kneecaps blown off in Vietnam. They had to stitch 'em back on." He's never been to Vietnam, or even out of the country. FML
Today, I accidentally walked in on my sister shaving, naked. I don't know what's worse, the fact I've now seen her nude, or that she looks ten times better than any girl I've ever slept with. FML
Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML
Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML
Today, I was asked to prove that I was Chinese by translating the phrase, "Ching chong ming chang ho". I'm not even Chinese. FML
Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML
Today, I was hauling cow shit. I had a car following me very closely, so I turned on the spreader to get them to back off. It was a cop. I got pulled over in a tractor for spraying cow shit on a cop car. FML
Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML
Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, all because he heard me speaking Arabic. I was on the phone with my grandmother in Egypt. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, because her military father, who doesn't like me, continuously threatened my safety for dating her. Now he's threatening to kill me for dumping her. I can't win. FML
Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML
Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML
Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML
Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend after a fight. I told him the reason I was so irritable is because I'm on my period. He yelped in disgust and nearly fell out of bed. Good to know I'm dating a man-child. FML
Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML
Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML
Today, I was eating breakfast when my little brother asks, "Mommy, what do you do for a living?" My mom replied, "I'm a headmaster." My dad then goes, "Oh yeah, she is." FML
Today, my sister found and read my journal. My first entry talked about how I shaved my ass for the first time. FML
Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML
Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML
Today, my boyfriend took me to get the abortion that we both agreed on. He was being so supportive through the whole thing. When it was all over I thanked him for coming. He replied, "Well that's what got us here in the first place!" He's still mad he can't tell anyone his joke. FML
Today, my girl and I got in a huge fight. Because I cuddled with her the wrong way. While I was asleep. FML
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