Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML
Today, my loving five-year-old daughter started singing Christmas carols again. Ones that she made up herself, of course. Including "Walking in a fucking wonderland" and "Rudolph the red nosed asshole". FML
Today, I went to my grandma's yard sale, only to find my baby pictures being sold for 25 cents each. FML
Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML
Today, my psycho mom walked in while I was chilling and having fun with some friends. She kicked them out and now wants to drug test me, because, "Nobody's that happy without drugs." FML
Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML
Today, after waiting for years for my oldest daughter to grow out of Twilight, my younger daughter discovered it. FML
Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML
Today, I discovered that if you heckle a mime, it's possible that the mime will actually kick your ass. FML
Today, I had sex for the first time with my first boyfriend. We broke up 6 years ago. FML
Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML
Today, I walked into the kitchen at the exact moment my uncle decided to bend over in short shorts. Apparently, his ballsack decided it needed extra room, because it dangled out of his pant leg. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend for what I thought would be a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride. We didn't expect the horse to die in the middle of it. FML
Today, as I was walking home from work, I got chased halfway home by a wolf. Yes, a wolf. I live in central Norway. FML
Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed in Charlie Brown's ghost costume, a white sheet with holes all over. I got beat up for dressing like a member of the KKK. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML
Today, I spent over $2,000 on a big flatscreen TV. My dad insisted I let him mount it on the wall instead of paying someone to do it. All seemed fine, until the TV came loose and smashed onto the floor. My dad refuses to accept responsibility, and says I should've had a professional install it instead. FML
Today, my wife told me she had a surprise for me when I came home. Surprise to me means sex, not a new puppy. FML
Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend asked me out is because he thought I "looked like a girl who'd be into anal". FML
Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML
Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML
Today, I asked my dad if he thought my dress was nice, and if guys would go for me. He replied, "Shit, depends on how drunk they are." FML
Today, I learned that if life gives you lemons, your sister is going to squeeze them over your face while you take a nap on the couch. FML
Today, my five year-old sister won't stop saying, "Shit buckle fuckle ton." My boyfriend's excuse was that he was teaching her how to rhyme. FML
Today, I noticed my fish was still hungry after feeding him earlier. I figured, "Eh, a little bit more won't kill him." I was wrong. FML
Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML
Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML
Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML
Today, after two years, my girlfriend finally got over her intimacy and commitment problems, with a guy she met over the summer. FML
Today, I bought my cat a fun toy at the one of a kind craft show. It has catnip in it, which he loves. He flipped out, so I took it away. He won't stop trying to break into the cupboard I put it in. My cat has a drug problem. FML
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