twg11290

Today, I discovered that my 20-year-old son has been using my bras for his jerk-off sessions. FML

Today, while at my aunt's funeral, my grandma who has terrible memory loss asked me whose funeral we were at. I had to explain to her that her daughter had died. FML

Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML

Today, I got the bill for the flowers my husband arranged to be delivered to me while he's out of town next week. I also got the bill for the flowers he's sending to the floozy he'll be seeing next week while he's out of town. The gift tag for it was: "I can't wait to see you." FML

Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His only words were, "This isn't what it looks like." FML

Today, I let my step-father know exactly what I thought of him. After a few moments of awkward silence, he leaned towards me and quietly whispered, "Well you're adopted. Your parents never loved you." FML

Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing, "Happy Birthday." FML

Poke-baller

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

Today, my sister and I were having a slumber party in my room since my parents left on a trip. They left my grandparents here to watch us. It was past bed time and we started hearing some strange noises through my floor. We thought it was the radio. Turns out my grandma is a screamer. FML

Intervention

Today, after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I woke up from a much needed nap realizing I should take my pain medication. My mother then told me she had thrown them out so I wouldn't get addicted and become a drug dealer. FML

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

Today, I bought a jacket with real fur on it. Turns out, i'm allergic and now my ears look like they have herpes on them. FML

Today, my boyfriend said, "You know who you remind me of? Sarah Palin." And then for the next 15 minutes continued to discuss how ugly she is. FML

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. I opened my eyes to see his eyes fixed on something else. I turned my head to see what was so interesting. He was on his iPhone looking up recipes for things to wrap in bacon. FML

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

Today, I went out to lunch on my break. When I got back to work, I noticed I had something in my teeth. After trying to get it out with my tongue, I finally went to my car for some floss. I ended up pulling a 4 inch pube out of my back teeth. It certainly wasn't mine. FML

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

Today, my husband was looking at a bariatric surgery website and asked him what he was reading. He said, "Oh, your anniversary gift. Surprise!" He wasn't kidding. He got mad when I politely declined his gift, then angrily said "You know, it really hurts when you don't like the things I get you." FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

Take a chill pill

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

You're nicked

Today, I got arrested for shoplifting. I don't know what's worse, that I stole a one dollar bottle of chocolate milk, or that I didn't have the dollar to pay for it. FML

Today, I sent the texts "I love and miss you babe ;)" and "Shit wrong person" to my ex just so he would think I have a life. FML

Don't feed the trolls

Today, I was trolling in a chat room when someone said, quote, "He's just a no-life, unemployed loser still living in his mom's basement. Probably spends all day stroking his tiny dong and fantasizing about having a real girlfriend." I actually started crying because it was so accurate. FML

Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML

Menace to society

Today, I was sitting in the park with my new dog; I got her from the pound last week. We were enjoying the sun when I noticed that every time a black person walked past, she'd bark like crazy. Great, my dog is a racist. FML

Today, I saw a coin on the ground. As I bent over to pick it up, some dude came up from behind, grabbed my waist and humped me three times. He ran away before I could get a good look at his face. FML

Isn't that, like, a crime?

Today, at my job at my tattoo parlor, yet another client offered to pay for his tattoo by "letting" me sleep with him. This client happens to be my boyfriend's best friend, whose girlfriend is having me tattoo his name on her wrist next week. FML

Today, I walked in on my grandma playing with herself. Every time I close my eyes, I see things that no mortal was ever meant to see. FML