Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML
Today, I accidentally set off an alarm at the school I work for. No one was there, I didn't have the code or password the company needed, my boss wouldn't answer his phone, three policemen interrogated me and asked for ID, but realized I left home without my wallet. There was nothing I could do. I cried. FML
Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML
Today, I took my two kids to a Christmas festival with a train theme. I spent $24 on conductor hats for them. When I gave them the hats, they threw them on the ground and put the red paper bags they came in on their heads. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML
Today, I found out my dad ate my pet rabbit two years ago. He said he ran away. FML
Today, to prevent a fistfight at work, I had to mediate a contested debate between two coworkers on what was evidently a very touchy subject: Which is better, the orange creamsicle or the ice cream sandwich? I was the only one to get in trouble for wasting company time. FML
Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML
Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself last night was my sister's Furby that she'd stuck in the closet. FML
Today, I found a dead squirrel under my son's bed. Apparently, he has been keeping it there as a "pet" for the past week. FML
Today, my boyfriend had a bad dream that a horse was biting his fingers off. He punched the horse in the neck, and in real life punched me in the spine. Twice. FML
Today, while making my son lunch, he pooped, took off his diaper, stepped in it, and then climbed to the gate to call for me. When I arrived, he had a big smile on his face and exclaimed, "Look!" Shit footprints were everywhere. FML
Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML
Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML
Today, I saw a woman run down my street screaming, "Fuck you cops! I can drive under the influence if I want to!" It took me a second to realize it was my mother. FML
Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML
Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said it "turns him on." FML
Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML
Today, in health class, I raised my hand and asked if you could get an STD from dogs. I have officially now ruined any extremely small chance I had of being popular. FML
Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML
Today, I went to a club. The only guy who asked me to dance introduced himself as "Bird Dog." FML
Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML
Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML
Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML
Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML
Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML
Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML
Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML
Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought, "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot?" Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
