HeyyItsKJ

How romantic

Today, my boyfriend bought me some feminine cleansing wipes for my birthday so I could, "get the hoo-ha spick-and-span." FML

Today, I dug out the 5 fancy, extremely expensive candles I bought during Black Friday. I lit one up, and was delighted that it smelled so great. My mother then walked into my room and stated that it smelled "like shit". The other four were going to be a Christmas gift for her. FML

Today, my husband shaved off his beard. Turns out he looks like my ex. FML

Today, I got friendzoned by three different women. Each girl suggested I should ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned me. FML

Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML

Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML

Stealing the scene

Today, during a moment of silence in front of the entire high school during my band concert, I managed to hit the stand with my flute, and loudly scrambled to catch it before it fell over. I've never had so many people look at me. FML

Today, after putting in so much effort to forgive my husband for his affair, we had sex. Not even 2 minutes into it, he called me by the other woman's name. FML

Today, it's either be alone and miserable, or go on shitty dates and be miserable. I have no other options. FML

Today, I discovered that the reason the phone I've had for a year takes such terrible and cloudy pictures is because I never took the plastic coating off the lens. FML

Freaked out

Today, the school counselor asked me to leave the grief counseling group I've being go to after the death of my sister. Apparently, I scare the others. FML

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were talking with his sister-in-law about a TV show, his 6-year-old nephew walked up just in time to hear how Santa killed the protagonist's parents. I've never seen such a heartbroken face in my life, and now he won't stop asking if Santa kills people. FML

Today, I met an American guy at a bar. I felt flattered when he said, "You know what they say about Swedish girls, all so beautiful." After a pause, he filled in with, "What the fuck happened to you?" FML

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

Come on in…

Today, I really wanted to spend a night of passion with my lover, so I'd arranged to meet him in a very classy hotel, gave him the room number, and waited for him in a super-sexy outfit. There was a knock at the door, so I opened it slowly and enticingly, assuming it was him. It was room service. FML

Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML

Today, three girls introduced themselves to me. I had met all of them before. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd help me shave my mustache. I'm a girl. FML

So brave

Today, I finally got the guts to walk out of class 30 minutes early, only to find that the back door was locked. As I stood there like an idiot trying to get it open, all 200 people in my class turned to laugh. My professor stared at me. I then walked back to my seat, sat down, and unpacked. FML

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

HB!

Today, it is mine and my twin sister's birthday. We both wanted a day at the spa for our birthday. My sister got a gift certificate to the spa, while I got mouthwash and a $20 gift card to Target. My mom said it would cost too much to make me also pretty. FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

Multitasking

Today, while I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, I watched as a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was OK but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

Today, my school handed out the new yearbook. I was so excited to be on the cover page in a group shot with all my friends until I realized that I was having a boner at the time the pic was taken. These books go out to the whole school. Everyone noticed. FML

Today, I called my mom to tell her that I finally got my period. There was an awkward pause. She was at work. I was on speakerphone. FML

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year-old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I gave him the gift, and he started playing with the bag it came in. FML

Today, as I got down on one knee, and was in the middle of saying, "Will you marry me?" my partner answered a text message. Apparently it was more important. FML

Move!

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year-old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML