HeyyItsKJ

Today, my parents brought me an ice cream birthday cake. I would think after 23 years they would remember my lactose intolerance. FML

Today, my thirteen month old son woke me up at 6AM on my day off, by punching me in the eye. FML

Both of you are bad

Today, I was arguing in the car with my boyfriend about who was the better driver. Being so incensed by the fact that he thought he was better made me completely zone out, and run a red light. FML

Today, after buying some groceries, I walked back to my car. After trying several times to get in the door, I finally look up and see a terrified little boy holding onto his teacup poodle for dear life, frantically waving me away. My car was two spots over. FML

WMD FML

Today, I used the restrooms at the shopping mall. The cleaning lady stepped in after me, immediately turned around and very demonstratively started spraying air freshener. FML

Today, I posted a status on Facebook saying I was depressed and needed someone to talk to. Someone commented on it saying "Just kill yourself". It got 20 likes. FML

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

Today, I realized that as a result of working in an office which has an oddly-placed window, the direct sunlight has caused the left side of my face to become significantly darker than the right. Just call me Harvey Dent. FML

Tough choice

Today, I was prescribed medicine for anxiety. Without it, my stomach churns all day. With it, I shake uncontrollably and my eyes twitch. Now I have to choose between diarrhea and rude stares from people in public. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

Gagging for it

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping I'd finally get some action. I got a high five. FML

BIKES!?

Today, I got home to three boys riding bikes out in front of my house, smiling at me. I instantly thought they were checking me out, so I smiled sweetly at them. Turns out they were flaunting the fact that they just stole all 3 of our bikes. FML

Gotcha

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

Today, I was helping a 7 year-old student in my martial arts class with his kicks. My reward? A surprisingly powerful kick to the testicles. FML

Today, I went skinny dipping with my friends. A security man drove up the dock we were on with his bike. After informing us that the dock was closed, and noticing all of our swimsuits on the dock, he refused to move his flashlight beam from us in the water. FML

Today, I came home to find my house destroyed. I was so devastated, I cried. I had spent days hand-crafting the house to perfection, down to the finest detail. On Minecraft. FML

Today, I excitedly showed my new roommate my pet fish. She then told me about how she purposely starved her last fish to see how long it would take before they started eating each other before starving to death. FML

Today, I got junk punched by a midget in Sears for giving him "a funny look." I was trying to read the price of the fridge he was standing in front of. FML

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate and his friends using my bass clarinet to smoke weed. FML

Today, I was watching my cousin shoot at targets on hay bales with his plastic pellet BB gun. After my sister asked him if it would hurt to be shot with one, my cousin smiled at her and said, "Ask your sister" as he shot me in the leg. I think my screaming was obvious enough. It hurts. FML

Today, at work, I misheard a customer telling me a story. To be polite, I did a slight laugh and nodded my head. She actually told me her mum had died. FML

Who's Christina?

Today, I was using my boyfriend's phone to call my mom. A text message arrived from "Christina" that said, "Just put the kids to bed, come over." He swears they're only work buddies, but refuses to tell her he has a girlfriend, to avoid making things weird at work. We've been together two years. FML

Remember when conspiracy theories were fun?

Today, my wife is totally convinced that she was abducted by aliens last night, all because she fell out of bed. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been using my moisturiser as lube when he wanks. It's $90 per bottle. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

Today, a man crashed into my car. He then got out of his car, dug a toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag, and tried to brush away the damage. FML

Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML

Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML

Today, I had to leave the movie theater early because I couldn't fit in the chairs. I guess I'll see it when it comes out on DVD. FML

Today, at work, we had an extremely rude customer who started cussing at us, and my coworker started cussing back. I jumped on the register to quickly bring down the line, and apologized to everyone for the scene. A secret shopper was in the line and claimed that I was rude. I got written up. FML