29 ans Célibataire
Today, I found out my parents' New Year's resolution is to get me to move out. FML
Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML
Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML
Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML
Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML
Today, I wrote "I love you" on my girlfriend's Facebook wall. She completely freaked out and accused me of being "too clingy" and that I'm starting to feel more like a stalker than a boyfriend. FML
Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML
Today, only after I almost knocked myself out cold with the shampoo bottle, did I finally get some out. FML
Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML
Today, after getting rear ended by a car, I texted my husband to let him know I was in the hospital. His response? "I'm at Taco Bell." FML
Today, I was working on my computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eyepatch in a couple of days. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't know what I was going to do over the Christmas holidays since he was going to be out of the country. He suggested that I work out and do some sit-ups. FML
Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML
Today, I gave my husband an expensive watch. The first words out of his mouth were, "You didn't use our joint bank account for this, right?" He then asked if I still had the receipt. FML
Today, I got pulled into a conversation about my 62 year-old boss's new breast implants. FML
Today, I found a used condom in my trash can. I have been happily married to my wife for 7 years, and we use other forms of birth control. FML
Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML
Today, I went to Busch Gardens. Trying to cool off, I got on a ride that soaked me to the bone. For the rest of the time I was there, my bra was visible through my clothes, along with the "Hell Yeah" printed on my underwear. FML
Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML
Today, I was assigned to work on a huge project with Michael. Michael refers to himself in the third person, constantly mumbles unintelligibly to himself, doesn't smile, laugh or make eye contact, and refuses to address me directly. I'll be stuck with him for about four months. FML
Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML
Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cotton swab shoved up my cock's piss-pipe. FML
Today, I had plans for a romantic night with my boyfriend, who is perfect in every way possible. We were going to have sex for the first time as well. Unfortunately, I had a dream last night about him shitting all over me and I can't look at him with a straight face. FML
Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML
Today, I walked in on my son holding a lighter to the end of a pen and sniffing the fumes. Apparently he thought it would get him high. FML
Today, my boyfriend was about to sneeze. To avoid getting his new tablet wet, he chose to sneeze right into my face instead. FML
Today, I just got back from a two week vacation. I live with six people and only the dog was happy to see me. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML
Today, I asked out the girl I really like. She turned me down, saying that she's a lesbian. That'd be fine, if I were a guy. FML
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