Today, I found that the love of my life is 3.5 inches, fully erect. My cell phone is bigger than that. FML
Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm… Your house is on fire." FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML
Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML
Today, I found my elderly neighbour on all fours in my garden eating my flowers. FML
Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML
Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML
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