Mademoiselle Florida, United States 30 ans
Today, at work as a bank teller, an angry customer complained that the payments on his two credit cards had been messed up the previous month, with the wrong amount being credited to each account. I asked if he knew who'd helped him. He said, "Well, it wasn't you - she was younger and prettier!" FML
Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML
Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML
Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let rip a loud fart. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML
Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML
Today, my husband admitted that he's been spying on me for the last 5 years to see if I was cheating, out of paranoia brought on by his own cheating for all 5 of those years. FML
Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML
Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML
Today, my boss's incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML
Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML
Today, while getting ice cream with a friend, her car got broken into. Nothing was taken except my backpack, which contained assignments making up 50% or more for grades in four separate classes. FML
Today, my boss asked if I could spare a few minutes to finish off the last of his paperwork backlog. I'm pretty desperate for a raise, so I said sure. Turns out the "small", "should-take-a-few-minutes" backlog consists of 3 desk-high stacks of documents. Goodbye, cruel world. FML
Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "God" told her to. I guess "God" didn't have any problems with me buying dinner first. FML
Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for having sex in public. FML
Today, I was bitten by a therapy dog. FML
Today, while out walking with my son in a stroller, a couple passed by and the girl smiled sweetly at him. It made me really happy, until we'd passed and I heard her say, "What? You're supposed to smile at babies, even if they look weird." FML
Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML
Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML
Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML
Today, my fiancé threatened to break up with me if our dog couldn't be the best man at our wedding. FML
Today, while with a large group of friends, my best friend started talking about my struggles with dating and intimacy. I quietly asked her to stop talking about it, as it was personal and I wasn't comfortable with everyone else knowing. Her response? "Um, it's really none of your business." FML
Today, I went to a wine tasting for the first time. I copied the experienced people around me by swishing the wine around in my mouth, which I then choked on and spit out all over my white blouse. FML
Today, I asked my class to name some West African countries. Several of them thought Ebola was a country. I teach an AP history class. FML
Today, due to awkward circumstances, I am living with my ex-girlfriend and her new girlfriend. FML
Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML
Today, my fiancé called me 'thick' for not realising he'd been sleeping with his ex earlier. FML
Today, I overheard my mom giving my 6-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML
Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML
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