Koalax3

Creepy

Today, my dad told me that I can't wear leggings on Friday nights, because, "your butt is too distracting for my poker buddies." FML

Today, I realized I'm so scared of my manager that I don't even dare to quit my job. The same job I want to quit exactly because I'm so scared of her. FML

Today, I had to wave my arms like a maniac as I sat on the toilet at work, otherwise the faulty motion sensor/timer would turn the lights off after about ten seconds. I've had to do this for several days now. No one else has reported this problem, so management won't get it fixed. FML

Mommy issues

Today, my boyfriend stormed out after I suggested to him that his relationship with his mother is maybe a little weird. Apparently having regular, hour-long phone discussions about your penis is a perfectly normal thing for a 23-year-old to have with his mother. FML

Today, I decided to clean my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML

Today, I found out my ex just got engaged to a girl he met 3 months ago, shortly before he ended our 5 year relationship. His reason for breaking up was that he didn't believe in marriage and couldn't be with someone who wanted to get married. Right. FML

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

Today, a coworker filed a complaint against me, all because I ate a banana at lunch, which he claimed is "threateningly sexual", whatever the hell that means. FML

Love your art

Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML

Today, I was making a special birthday delivery for a customer. As I handed her the fruit basket, I said, "Hey, we have the same birthday! Happy birthday!" She called me an attention whore and slammed the door in my face. FML

SEXY!

Today, my boyfriend decided it was time to spice up our sex life. He now watches Sons Of Anarchy when we have sex. FML

Today, after finishing an essay at the library, I fell asleep and had a dream about the essay crawling out through my laptop screen and trying to kill me. I woke by the librarian shaking me and telling me to stop screaming. I was mortified. FML

Today, I went on my sixth date with a guy I was beginning to really like. He asked if I'd mind if his friend Pete met up with us afterwards. I said sure. Turns out "Pete" is his penis. FML

Today, I found out why my dad always treated me badly as a kid compared to my siblings. It's because I was conceived while my mom was cheating on him. On top of that, he made it clear that he still doesn't consider me a "real" part of the family. FML

Today, despite all of the empty seats on the bus, a man sat next to me. So close to me that our legs touched. After a few moments of silence, he got closer and whispered in my ear, "You're so quiet." FML

Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML

Today, I met someone who works in radio advertising. Making conversation, I described an ad that I can't stand. He wrote it. FML

Today, I was at the beach with a group of friends, including the guy I like. As soon as we got to the beach, I ran toward the water and he chased after me. It was a beautiful moment until I looked back at him, tripped, fell on my face and slid down the beach. FML

The L Word

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

Cultish

Today, I went to a coworker's wedding. Instead of getting to celebrate their marriage, we spent most of the service being lectured by the priest on how women are a freak by-product of "God's masterpiece design" and are the cause of all the world's problems. FML

Today, I found a piece of erotic fiction on my brother's computer. It involved two lesbian teenagers, who just so happened to have the same names and physical descriptions as my sister and me. FML

Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

Today, after months of dinners, coffees, drinks, and a few nights together, the girl of my dreams told me about this awesome guy she met yesterday. FML

Today, I excitedly told my family that, after years of studying and dedication, I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" and my dad and brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that I think teddy bears are THE most pointless and careless gift. He shyly gave me my birthday present afterwards. It was a carebear. FML

Awkward

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

Responsible

Today, I was responsible for taking care of Hoppers, the rabbit belonging to my son's third grade class. Tomorrow my son returns Hoppers so the next student can care for him. That won't be happening because Hoppers hopped out my fifth story window. FML