Mademoiselle
Today, a girl in my class threw a temper tantrum. Why? Because she wanted my seat. We're in high school. FML
Today, I learned the hard way what the inside of my toe looks like. FML
Today, after weeks of eating in the same restaurant, I finally worked up the nerve to ask the super-cute cashier for her phone number. "Aw, how cute. Do you have an older brother?" FML
Today, my dad told my girlfriend that she's the son he never had. FML
Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML
Today, I was locked out of my house. With no other available option, I decided to try and ninja my way through a window. However, as it turns out, I would make a terrible ninja. I now have a sprained ankle and a broken window. FML
Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML
Today, my girlfriend made a patronising post on Facebook, "to all you guys out there" saying how having sex with a drunk person is straight-up, 100% rape. I pointed out that she's had sex with me several times after I've come home drunk. That pissed her off. Now I'm single. FML
Today, I got call from the manager for a company I applied for. Turns out, he mixed up my friend's phone number with mine, since we applied on the same day, so the manager accidentally hired her instead of me. He said the position is still mine if I want it, but they will have to let her go. FML
Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML
Today, my girlfriend lost one of her rings. I found this out as I overheard her gushing to her friend about how I must have borrowed it to find out what her ring size is. I have zero interest whatsoever in the sick and utterly immoral institution of marriage. FML
Today, my whack job of a father told my 8-year-old son that his cat deserves a bullet to the head for being so damn stupid. FML
Today, I finally scrounged up enough change to do laundry, so I loaded up my car, swung by the bank to take out my rent money, and stopped at a gas station to get a drink. When I came outside, my car was gone, along with all my clothes and rent money. FML
Today, when I went to see my therapist, she handed me a tube of tooth paste and said, "Please use it". FML
Today, my mailman refused to deliver my mail for an undetermined amount of time, because my 8 year-old, arthritic dog, who can barely walk, "made him feel threatened." FML
Today, after finding out that my professor likes to talk trash about, and constantly belittle, Muslims in every American History class he teaches, I submitted an essay about Muslim contributions to humanity. He held me back after class and asked why I gave him such filth. I'm a Muslim. FML
Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML
Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML
Today, I met up with my 'on again, off again' girlfriend of 4 years that I'm still madly in love with. We've been broken up for a few months and she's been dating someone else. We talked about possibly trying things again. When I got home, I found out she's engaged. FML
Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML
Today, while driving around with my brother and his idiotic friends, one of them decided it would be a brilliant idea to throw a hot sauce packet out of the car window at a moving vehicle. I've never seen someone angry enough to stop and get out of a vehicle that fast. FML
Today, my upstairs neighbor woke me with her sex moans, reminding me how single I'll be on Valentine's. FML
Today, I received my Valentine's gift from my fiancée in the mail. We broke up yesterday. FML
Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML
Today, a guy I blocked online for sending me creepy messages showed up at my house. I have no idea how he found my address, or even my real name. FML
Today, I braved a snowstorm to go into work. An hour later, my boss texted me that they were closing. I was stuck on the road, unable to go home for another 2 hours. FML
Today, I lost control of my car on a patch of ice and slid off the road, messing up my car. I was working on a news story about bad road conditions. FML
Today, I worked such a long shift at Panera that when my boyfriend called later, I answered, "It's a fresh day at Panera Bread in [town], this is [name] speaking. How may I help you?" He thought it was hilarious. FML
Today, I took a bus to the city. When I sat down, my hand accidentally slapped again the knee of the guy sitting next to me. I apologized. He responded, "It's just a knee," and started stroking mine. This lasted the entire ride. FML
Today, despite hints, suggestions, and even blatant criticism, my coworker refuses to believe he smells like rotten donkey nuts. He says he only needs to shower once a week, and that he doesn't believe in deodorant. I volunteered to do an extra autopsy today because the morgue smells better. FML
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