RoseWithThorns

Today, I was mowing my lawn and it had a dry looking dog turd. I figured I'd be able to mow it easily into the grass bag as dust. Instead, it still had enough moisture to splatter into clumps. Including a couple that went up my left nostril. FML

Today, due to a new tattoo, I can't wear a bra for the next few days. My coworker knows about it and thought it would be funny to blast the air-con all day. I swear I could have used my nipples to type this, instead of my fingers. FML

Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML

Busted

Today, my husband was being obnoxious, so I jokingly sprayed him with the dish hose. The floor got wet, and he slipped and busted his knees. Our daughter rushed over to him to see if he was OK, then slipped and busted her head on the floor. FML

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met at a speed dating event. He recommended the lamb shank, which I ordered without looking at the menu. When the waiter took my order, my date said, "wait, the lamb is $27, why don't you get the chicken". He then ordered the lamb for himself. FML

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

Retail sucks

Today, I was working at my retail job. A customer stopped me on my way to break saying "someone" had broken a snow globe. She showed me where it was and I cleaned it up with her circling me. I finished and put the cleaning supplies away when I heard a 'crash' as the same woman dropped another snow globe. FML

It's on me

Today, I went to the bar I go to every week. My favorite bartender told me I owed $50 for a tab because the waiter screwed up and undercharged me. The tab was from when my friends bought me drinks to cheer me up because my girlfriend moved away. I ended up paying for my own drinks, plus theirs. FML

Today, I took a big sniff of a flower in my garden. I spent the rest of the morning blowing little bugs out of my nose. FML

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

Highly inappropriate

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

Today, I got a client who ordered ice cream. She seemed really nice and I thought maybe she was into me. When I asked if she wanted peanuts for an additional 50 cents, she said no. Trying to be nice, I added them anyway free of charge. I later had to call the ambulance. She was allergic. FML

Today, I was chastised by the CEO in the middle of a management meeting for showing up late to work every day, despite being in my office before 9:00am every morning. It was my 5th day on the job and no one had bothered to tell me that the office opens at 8:00am, and not 9:00am. FML

Close, so close

Today, after nearly eight months of unemployment, I started a great new job. After seven and a half hours of work, my new boss comes up to tell me what a great job I was doing, but that he somehow forgot to clear the new hire with the company owner, so I'm fired. Hello, unemployment... again. FML

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

Today, while at work, I cringed as I noticed my caveman colleague frantically digging into his nose and then continuing the use of his computer. I work in IT support and will be rebuilding his computer and reinstalling all his applications in 30 minutes time. FML

Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML

Today, my school's yearbook awarded "Cutest Couple" to my boyfriend and me. We broke up yesterday. FML

Today, I watched Change-Up with my dad. He made us leave half-way through the movie, because he thought I was too young to watch a movie this explicit. I'm 25. FML

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

Today, I received a fine for leaving my car at the airport. Each day it's been there, they added an additional $50. My car was stolen two weeks ago. FML

Stolen valor

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend." The worst part? I said yes. FML

Today, I woke up at midnight crying, stood up to turn on the lights and face-planted into my wall. FML

And IIIIIIIIIIiiiiiii

Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML

Needs

Today, I found out that all the things I've lent to my best friend over the last few years that have never been returned were actually pawned off so she could pay her cable bill. FML

Today, I tripped on the way back from collecting a prize in front of 600 students and their parents. I got more applause than I did when collecting the prize. FML

Today, I was playing with my vibrator. I was getting close when all of a sudden it short-circuited and made a sound like a laughing clown, scaring me half to death. FML