Monsieur Célibataire
Today, I was playing Monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML
Today, my parents grounded me for being "addicted" to drugs because I've been taking pain meds every four hours. I had my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday, and my face is badly swollen. FML
Today, I helped a nice middle-aged lady pick out a sweater. She then opened her changing room door to ask for my opinion. I still don't understand why she had to take everything else off to try on a sweater. FML
Today, my boss claimed that I've been lying to get days off because apparently nobody can be so unlucky as to have three family members die within a month. I'm just that unlucky, and suspended. FML
Today, my mom visited. While she was using the bathroom, my man-child of a husband thought it would be funny to knock on the bathroom door with his penis, thinking it was me in there. She opened the door to find him standing there doing the "helicopter". FML
Today, my parents kicked me out of the house because they were having a party. They gave me twenty bucks to go see a movie. Well, the movie ended pretty quick, but the trauma of seeing my parents in a swingers' orgy will take some time getting over. FML
Today, I finally password-protected my phone, to protect it from my friends' favorite game: stealing it and sending stupid texts, and hijacking my Facebook. They quickly found a new game. My phone is now locked for 24 hours due to too many attempts to guess the password. FML
Today, my 7 year old daughter explained to a taxi driver that she was born from my "vagina that doesn't have hair". He winked creepily at me and said, "I bet it doesn't." FML
Today, my ex's mom got a job as our new soccer coach and recognized me from our New Year's party last year. She made me, and me alone, do 10 laps around the field in the rain for breaking her son's heart. FML
Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML
Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML
Today, I arrived at work six minutes late due to heavily congested traffic. This is just two days after my boss put out a memo saying that anyone who's late to work from then until the new year will have their holiday bonus pay forfeited. FML
Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML
Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML
Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating so much food and still looking really skinny, I found out that my neighbor secretly lets his dog in through my pet door while I'm at work. FML
Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML
Today, I pulled over a speeding driver. I admit that I'd been hoping for this moment since I joined the police force; the moment a lady put her cleavage on display to get out of a ticket. Sadly, this lady was a senior citizen, and her breasts looked like two semi-deflated balloons. FML
Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML
Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they couldn't get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML
Today, I got nominated to sit in a chair in the middle of the gym during a high school rally while the entire school got to throw paper balls at me. FML
Today, I got paper thrown at me because I didn't agree with my classmate's conspiracy theory that Brian Griffin's death was planned by the illuminati. FML
Today, I was gushing about my love for Disney princesses when someone told me I "definitely needed to calm down." By whom? A four-year-old girl. FML
Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML
Today, my wicked mother has been with us for a week. She's already thrown away my daughter's favorite toy, broke my computer, scratched my oak table, stained my most expensive shirt, peed in our bed, and called the attention of the cops by staring at kids in school. She's staying for three months. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when I got a sudden agonising cramp in my foot. I cried out in pain, but he didn't stop. If anything, my cries of pain seemed to spur him on. FML
Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML
Today, my husband learned that if he asks me a question while I am dead asleep my answer will most likely be "Yes". Incidentally, I now have a new cat. FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML
Today, a lady told me that I should sue whoever screwed up my "nose job" so badly. This is the nose I was born with. FML
Today, my car wouldn't start because of the cold weather. Since I was at a friend's house, I asked him to jump-start it. After taking about ten minutes to start his vehicle and park it by mine, we found that both of our car hoods were frozen shut. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
