Masift

Today, I realized that my new haircut makes me look like a movie star. Not Scarlett Johansson, no. I look like Lord Farquaad. FML

Domestic

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

Today, my internet was so slow I couldn't even load an internet speed test to see how slow my internet was. FML

Today, I'm lying awake at 2 in the morning listening to the police helicopter circle my house yet again. I recently moved near quiet woodland to escape the traffic noise that disturbed my sleep. Quiet woodland where apparently the local criminals play midnight hide-and-seek with the police. FML

Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML

Hottttt

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

Today, I found out that one of my colleagues believes that aliens built the pyramids. No amount of logical reasoning or evidence has had any effect on his argument of, "but you can't prove they didn't." FML