Today, I met my mom's fiancé. He's a nice guy, he's also my wife's dad. I'll soon call my wife my sister. FML
Today, my Jewish boyfriend came over for my extended family's Easter party. My grandmother made fun of him for being Jewish so badly, that he left, crying. She doesn't see what she did wrong. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband eating cat food out of the cat bowl dressed in a cat costume. FML
Today, I had to go to the hospital for an allergic reaction. Turns out, I'm highly allergic to cherry blossoms. My wife and I just bought a house and moved into a new neighborhood. Almost every block in this neighborhood, including my own, has rows and rows of cherry blossom trees. FML
Today, I found out I'm actually the uncle of my children. All four of them. FML
Today, at work, a customer came in and ordered a "Butterbeer Frappuccino." When I said we serve no such thing, she yelled at me for "lying" to her, saying she knew about our "secret menu." She ended up complaining to my manager and demanded that he fire me. FML
Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML
Today, I found out I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm 29, my son is 13 and the girl in question is 16. FML
Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML
Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didn't have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML
Today, I realized that getting wasted before finals is not a good idea. I sat down in the test hall, reached into my bag for a pencil, and found instead three baby carrots and a spoon. FML
Today, I actually had to teach my 9-year-old brother how to pour himself a glass of milk, after he burst out in tears when my sister told him to do it himself. His astonishing ignorance also extends to basic hygiene. FML
Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML
Today, my girlfriend guilted me into roleplaying as Justin Bieber before and during sex. I now feel physically ill. FML
Today, I got a call from the police. Apparently my son tried robbing a teenage couple, but wound up getting his ass beat by both of them. I don't know what's worse, that my 32-year-old son is a criminal, or that he got it handed to him by 15-year-olds. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend hasn't really been "researching" for work on the Internet; she's actually been tweeting the same pathetic plea to a guy from One Direction asking him to "follow" her. She's 29. FML
Today, my father shot my fiancé. He's fine, but the wedding is off. FML
Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML
Today, a customer screamed at me, because her iced coffee tasted exactly like coffee, and she hates coffee. Sadly, this isn't even the most insane person I've had to deal with at this job. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to write a girl a note, with my number on it, and the words: "You're stunning. Get in touch sometime." Heart pounding, I saw her, got up, and passed her the note. Then I passed out at her feet. FML
Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML
Today, my house was broken into. After we called the police, my dad started calling himself Sherlock Holmes and talking in a British accent. He insists on calling me Watson. He is going around the neighborhood acting like Sherlock, investigating stuff. He won't stop. FML
Today, my 16-year-old brother managed to convince my 22-year-old boyfriend that I breastfeed my pet parrot. FML
Today, while working at a daycare, I had to change a kid's diaper. This may seem normal for a daycare worker, but not when it's a 7-year-old kid who is still not potty-trained and shat their pants. FML
Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, at my first day on the job, a customer threatened my life because our vending machine had run out of Doritos. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend. I look him straight in the eye and ask him: "What's the first thing you think about when you look at me?". His answer: "Can I finish my steak?" FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad, which is one of my roommate's names, when I came. Now her and her friends think I'm gay, and my roomate Brad moved out. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me by his mother's name for the 100th time. I'm a guy. FML
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