Monsieur Sydney, Australia 30 ans Célibataire
Today, at the self-checkout, I didn't have enough money for honey, so I just walked out with it and ended up getting caught. Now I have to hold a sign in front of the store wearing a big bumblebee costume. FML
Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML
Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. While under the influence of the drugs, I tried to speak Japanese. Later, my Japanese roommate informed me that I was saying "I am a weasel" over and over again. FML
Today, I got home with my 3 best friends in tow, only to find my husband fast asleep on the sofa, porn playing on his laptop, his boxers around his ankles, and a sticky white mess all down his thigh. I am so beyond mortified I can’t adequately describe how embarrassed I am. FML
Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML
Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML
Today, my dad and I had an hour-long conversation. When he was getting up to leave my room he said, "Good talk Chelsey." My sister is Chelsey. So I corrected him. He thought I was joking. My father can't tell my sister and I apart. We are not twins. FML
Today, I took out my old hairdryer and turned it on. I then gave my roommate a show as I ran out of the bathroom, naked and screaming, after a spider was blasted out of the hairdryer and directly at my face. FML
Today, I ate a bowl of my girlfriend's homemade chili. She went a little heavy on the spices, but I ate it anyway. An hour later, I can now say that if it burns going in, it will explode coming out your rear. FML
Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML
Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed afterwards that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML
Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML
Today, I was in my Cosmetic Application class, and we were about to apply foundation to our models. I walk over to my friend and say, "Wow, that foundation is really orange and blotchy." Then the model turns to me and says, "Actually, we haven't started yet… that's just my skin." FML
Today, my extended family came over for Christmas. I forgot to get a present for my extremely sensitive aunt. I took a gift from my re-gift pile and wrapped it quickly. Little did I remember that it was the same gift she gave me last year. She noticed. FML
Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I should stop talking about his major gambling problem because he still loves me even though I gained weight. Apparently that evens things out. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML
Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML
Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML
Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML
Today, I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I'm the captain of the football team. FML
Today, my mother shared my phone number with my brother, despite my explicit wishes that she didn't. He immediately went and put it on Craigslist and several other websites. This is the fourth time I've had to change my number for that very same reason. FML
Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight the shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow, and I tugged so hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML
Today, I came home to a completely trashed house and just stood there in shock until I heard something upstairs. I ran to heroically catch the robber and, despite being a 4'10" woman, I did it! How? The fat fuck got stuck in my window. FML
Today, I applied for a job and got called in for an interview. I lied on my resume stating that I speak Japanese fluently. Turns out, my potential employer is half-Japanese and wants to conduct the interview entirely in Japanese. FML
Today, I was told I'm too old for sex. I'm 35. FML
Today, my parents came back from their holiday and were constantly asking about "the girl I had over". They thought so because of the two wine glasses in the dishwasher. I didn't have anyone over. I just got drunk two nights in a row and was too lazy to clean the first one. FML
Today, at the office, I was walking towards a blind man who works in another department. When I realized our paths would collide, I called out that I was on his right because we'd received an email from HR that said this would help him. I was actually on his left. FML
Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML
Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML
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