DaDezza244

Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

Today, a frog made my hot tub his new home. I can't stand frogs and he moves lightening fast. I think the only way to get rid of him is to turn the heat on and boil him. Which I would do if my daughter didn't already adore him. FML

Today, my wife figured out I gave her a dollar store ring for our anniversary. FML

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew, who told me he learned about fire safety today. I asked him what he'd do if there was a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell over, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

Not sporty

Today, I passed a field where some kids were playing football. The ball rolled over in my direction, so they asked me to kick it over. I tried and failed three times, and ended up throwing it over, where it embarrassingly landed about 2 feet away. They had to come over and get it. FML

Today, while waiting in line at the supermarket, a mother told me to be considerate and not buy the candy I was paying for, because it made her screaming toddler jealous. FML

Today, my wife decided she didn't want to lose weight with me. We were trying to decide on a reward for each pound lost. I suggested sex as the reward. She felt it wasn't fair to punish her just because I lost weight. FML

Today, my girlfriend threw boiling water at me to get me off my phone. It worked, but now I'm burned. FML

Hey you

Today, my friend asked me if I flirted with any girls during our shift. I said, "No, not any I could think of." He then told me there was a note on my windshield that said, "Call me" with a phone number on it. After my shift, I went to my car excited and read the note. It was just a penis. FML

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied with "Don't flatter yourself, it was my phone". FML

Today, my daughter was acting strange. When she wasn’t muttering in some strange language, she was talking about invisible people coming to get me. Terrified, I called my boyfriend. Turns out he taught her that as a prank. He knows I’m afraid of anything supernatural. FML

Confused

Today, my roommate came home from work and yelled at me for my dinner being too spicy. The same dinner he denied stealing. FML

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

Today, I think I found out just how many times I've ordered through UberEats when my delivery guy told me that, "We should stop seeing each other like this!" with a chuckle. FML

Social skills

Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

Today, I held the door open for someone and he said, "Thank you!" I said, "Thank you!" back. FML

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

Love isn't…

Today, I found out my boyfriend made a move to hook up with my best friend. She was about to reciprocate, only for him to suddenly tell her that she’s a horrible friend, and then he told me about it. I’m not sure if I should be picking sides here. FML

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

Jailbird

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

Today, when I bent down to get something off a low shelf at the grocery store, I felt my shorts split wide open at the butt. All my husband did was make jokes about "that's not how you do the splits." FML

Culture wars

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that, "Pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

Today, I went on a blind date. I ended up meeting my dad. FML

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML