EmikoShiriyuki

Today, I saw a coin on the ground. As I bent over to pick it up, some dude came up from behind, grabbed my waist and humped me three times. He ran away before I could get a good look at his face. FML

Don't do drugs, kids

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

Today, I spontaneously got my ear pierced. By spontaneously, I mean my 12-year-old sister stabbed one of her earrings into my ear while I was sleeping. She claimed the freckle on my earlobe looks "exactly the same" as the hole from her ear piercing. FML

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old daughter holding a lit lighter to the underside of a spoon, which was full of baking powder. She was trying to breathe in the fumes to get high, and later confessed that she thought it's how heroin is made and used. FML

Unwanted guest

Today, my plans for having sex with my girlfriend were thwarted for the sixth time in a row by my own mother. I found out later that she's been reading my texts so she knew when to drop by and ruin everything. FML

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

Today, I'm a little over a month pregnant. My fiancé has decided that if we both act like I'm not pregnant, "the baby will get the hint and go away". FML

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

The cheek!

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

Today, the fire alarm keeps going off at my apartment. Not only is the noise ear-piercingly loud enough to wake the entire neighbourhood, there's also a big flashing red light in case the deafening sound isn't enough. This is my day off. It's going on all day. FML

Today, at work, I put on a smile and went to take an elderly gentleman's order. He looked at me, asked if I'd stick a finger in his sweet tea to make it sweeter, then complained that it was a shame I wasn't "on the menu". FML

Today, I got really anxious thinking I was going to piss off the guy behind me by not moving off at a stop light fast enough. It got so bad that I had a panic attack right there in my car. FML

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

Today, while in line at the supermarket, I told the lady behind me that she had a cute baby. She shot me a disgusted look and straight up accused me of being a pedophile. FML

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

Today, I took a phone call in the bathroom, since the rest of the house was too noisy. I sat down on the toilet and waited while they put me on hold. After a while, I must have forgotten the lid was down and my pants were still on, because I started peeing myself. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

Today, my cousin's husband argued adamantly that the Earth doesn't rotate, and treated me like an idiot when I explained why he was wrong. Not even a video from space of the Earth rotating convinced him. This idiot is a teacher. FML

Today, I was convinced to face my fears of rollercoasters by a friend. I'm writing this at the highest point of the ride after being stuck over thirty minutes. FML

Today, a pervert was visibly playing with himself right next to me on the train. Then on the bus. Then on the other bus I changed to in order to lose him. At least somebody's interested. FML

Heartless swine

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML

Today, my teacher plugged the speakers into the wrong input on his computer, and said, "Oops, wrong hole", to which one of the students who often makes the same mistake said, "Story of my life". I understood it differently and started laughing. It would have been fine if the teacher wasn't her father. FML

Today, I sneezed so hard that I re-dislocated my shoulder. FML

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

Today, my refrigerator defrosted itself. FML

Today, the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask... It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. FML

Today, I sent a guy that I like a lot a picture of myself. I'd got all dressed up sexy and did my make-up. He sent me a reply saying, "Your cat is fat." FML

Today, I let my friend cut my hair and after a few minutes, she looked at what she had done and then she ran out of the room, laughing. FML

Today, My mom walked in on me and my 2 year crush about to have sex. When she saw us she said "oh I'll just wait outside, I know it wont be long anyway." FML