EmikoShiriyuki

Not a geography major

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

Today, I took my cat to the vet's. When the vet took her temperature anally, I couldn't stop laughing. The vet had to ask me to leave the room. FML

Today, a man wearing a Santa hat stumbled out of a bar, staggered over to my car, and vomited through the open window into my lap. FML

Today, my 12-year-old daughter glued her left eyelid shut with fake eyelash glue. After spending 4 hours in the ER, I asked her why she did it. "I wanted to get Blake to notice me," she said. Blake is our neighbor's convict son. FML

Today, the guy I've been dating told me with a wink that before he'll go on any more dates, he'd require me to take a series of "oral exams" to prove I'm right for him. I think he actually expected that to work. NEXT. FML

Today, my coworkers continued their new favorite game: staring at me in total unnerving silence. I can't help but be reminded of serial killers. FML

Today, the security at the airport were nice enough to remind me to take the laptop out of my bag. I wish they'd also reminded me to put it back in before I left. FML

Today, my younger sister ran into my room, telling me someone was trying to break in. We were home alone, so she went to hide as I took a crowbar and followed the intruder. Just as I was about to swing, he turned around: it was my dad. I had to explain to my sister that burglars don't have keys. FML

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

Woozy

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

Touch grass

Today, it's got to the point where my parents have to force me to plan social outings. FML

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

Nature is healing

Today, I came home after just 3 weeks of being away. It seems like my pool now has its own mini-ecosystem. FML

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet in a public restroom. That would have been bad enough, without the guy in the next stall saying, "Jesus! What the hell did you eat?!" FML

Noob

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's office, I looked up at the news on the TV to see my husband's mugshot. FML

Spooky

Today, I received a text with my last name spelled wrong. A short conversation revealed he got my number from me, through Tinder. I don't have an account, but he insisted he knew that I like it "hard and rough." He knew my first name. I still don't know how he got my phone number or name. FML

Today, the AC broke at work. I work in a hotel and every single guest asked me if I knew how hot it was in the lobby. It was 96 degrees for 7 hours. I definitely knew. FML

Get it done

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud Light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her a pregnancy test. After using it, we couldn't find how to tell if she was or wasn't pregnant. After about 10 minutes of waiting, Google searching, and tension, I realized I had bought an ovulation test. FML

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

Today, I received my replacement debit card in the mail after losing my previous one. I've already lost my new one. FML

Weak at the knees

Today, I got written up because apparently leaning on the counter at work is unprofessional, even if you're about to pass out and the counter is the only thing keeping you on your feet. FML

Honky

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

Today, I entered a painting I'd worked on for weeks into an art competition. I won nothing. I wouldn't care so much if the guy I lost out to hadn't submitted a blank canvas and called it a "conceptual piece". FML

Who's at fault?

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML