EmikoShiriyuki

Kids these days, eh?

Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

Today, I finally heard a woman tell me "I've never seen one so big before!" Too bad it was my dentist talking about one of my cavities. FML

Assumption

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

Ouch

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML

The downside of nepotism

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question? "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

Today, my husband of 3 weeks told me he doesn't want to be married anymore because I suggested getting a joint bank account. FML

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML

Today, my 13-year-old sister told me that she wants to get pregnant soon to stop her periods for a while. I can't believe we're related. FML

Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML

Today, I tripped while rushing to my classes. In a desperate attempt to regain my balance, I grabbed the nearest thing to me. A fire alarm. FML

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

Today, I got up feeling refreshed and positive for the first time in ages, so I happily threw my window open to greet the beautiful morning. A bee flew into my eye. FML

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

Today, I was trying to make a good impression with my fiancé's friends. After a few hours, I thought all was going well. As I walked to the washroom, I heard, "So what disability does she have? No one can be like that without something wrong in their brain." FML

Today, I got banned from my favourite online video game for calling a person on my team a "Baked Potato". FML

Today, while mowing my backyard, I carelessly ran over a fire ant hill. Thousands of tiny stinging insects blowing towards you while you're wearing shorts and a t-shirt is definitely not fun. FML

The higher power provides

Today, my roommate and I are so broke, we resorted to going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting just for the refreshments. FML

Today, I read my 10-year-old sister's diary. That's how I found out about her disturbingly detailed plan to murder me, make it look like suicide, date my boyfriend after helping him get over my death, then marry him. FML

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

Today, after a relaxing week away, my husband and I came home to discover our 17 year old son crashed one of our cars against the other. FML

Today, despite having a stomach bug, I went into work, as my boss is overseas and had warned me not to take any sick leave until she returned. After 4 hours and vomiting twice, I left. She found out and sent me an email bitching me out for coming in sick. FML

Corporate says no

Today, whilst in the last week of my notice period, I was instructed by my boss to tell six new employees that their jobs had fallen through before they'd even started. Later that afternoon, I received a call from my line manager. Guess whose own job has fallen through too. FML

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

Today, my fiancé called me 'thick' for not realising he'd been sleeping with his ex earlier. FML

Thank you for your service

Today, during my shift at work, I started to feel really sick and started throwing up. While I had my head in a bag, I had several customers ask me for directions, and another customer abuse me for my lack of service. FML

Today, less than a month from our wedding, my fiancé told me that he doesn't trust me and will be cancelling our wedding and new apartment lease if I don't give him all the names, numbers and addresses of my exes. All because I received a text from a wrong number that said, "Hey baby." FML

Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML

Today, I dressed up sexy to cheer up my boyfriend after a bad day at work. Instead of being cheered up, he accused me of dressing up that way for the male DJs at the radio station where I work. FML